Now that Big Brother has approximately 42,000 housemates, a cull seemed like the most sensible option.

So a cull it is – this week, 11 housemates are up for eviction, with only Lisa and Rodrigo definitely safe – which is ironic, because Big Brother’s entire audience is desperate to get rid of Lisa at the first opportunity.

We’re not going to talk about all 11 nominated Big Brother housemates, because frankly we can’t be arsed, so let’s concentrate on the three who stand most chance of being evicted tomorrow. So that’ll be Noirin, Marcus and Kenneth, then…

Noirin - If you saw Big Brother’s eviction show last week, then it might have come as a surprise to see Karly get evicted, since the Big Brother crowd seemed determined to rupture their lungs by booing every time Davina McCall mentioned Noirin, alluded to Noirin or said a word that rhymes with Noirin like, um, sporran. Worse still, Noirin hasn’t done anything to endear herself to the Big Brother audience in the last seven days, apart from continue her creepy non-relationship with Marcus that’s becoming more and more like Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf every day. Only a giant arsehole could take the heat off Noirin this week, but luckily there’s a giant arsehole right there in the Big Brother house.

Marcus – Everyone has got a friend like Marcus. You know the sort of friend we’re talking about. The one who you describe to other people by saying “Oh, yeah, Marcus is great. He’s really funny, yeah, he’s a right laugh. Top bloke. But, you know, it might not be a good idea to leave him alone around women. He gets a bit rapey sometimes.” And, unfortunately for Marcus, he’s trapped in a house with some girls. Specifically he’s trapped in a house with Noirin, who is a) his dream woman and b) completely disinterested. And it’s turning him into a complete tool, especially now that other housemates are starting to take an interest in her. It’s uncomfortable to watch. Only a giant arsehole could take the heat off Marcus this week, but luckily there’s a giant arsehole right there in the Big Brother house.

Kenneth – Who ordered the giant arsehole? We’ve only got one with extra dickishness, is that OK? It’s dear old Kenneth, the man who, although officially calling himself an ‘international playboy’, seems to have been precision-designed to alienate everyone he comes into contact with. The Big Brother housemates hate him for his fairly obvious sleaziness and casual misogyny. The viewers hate him because he’s smarmy and insincere. And if Davina McCall doesn’t visibly shudder when she gets within six feet of him tomorrow we’ll be genuinely surprised. Only a giant arsehole could take the heat off Kenneth this week, but… oh, who are we kidding? Kenneth’s the biggest arsehole in the history of the world. Let’s just state his eviction as fact now and move on.

UPDATE – Oh great, it looks like Kenneth has escaped the Big Brother house of his own free will. So Marcus is it, then.

UPDATE TWO – The eviction’s been cancelled. We don’t know why we bother. We really bloody don’t.

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