So on Friday, Lisa was the housemate officially least likely to win Big Brother, and all of Davina McCall’s links were rendered inaudible by mob chanting “Get Lisa out!”

So, naturally, Hira was evicted. Poor Hira, a victim of Big Brother‘s ‘vote to save’ policy last week. Still, we’ll remember you Hira. That was your name, right? Hira? We can’t really mentally place your face, but if you come up to us and tell us your name, there’s about a 50% likelihood that we’ll remember you.

Anyway, onto the Big Brother housemates who’ve caught our eye this week – Dogface, Halfwit and Rodrigo…

Dogface - We’ve got our fingers crossed that Dogface will be the next Big Brother housemate to be evicted. And we’re saying that out of love – getting evicted would be for her own good. After all, it goes without saying that Dogface is this year’s Big Brother housemate who’s most likely to end up nude on the front cover of Nuts. That’s how she’s going to make her living for the next few years, and it’d be stupid to think otherwise. However, since Kris was evicted all those weeks ago, Dogface has done nothing but eat. And as a result, she’s bloating out like a corpse in a lake. This poses two problems – every day she continues to swell up inside the Big Brother house, the less chance she’ll have of posing topless for magazines. Similarly, if she’s evicted on Friday then Dogface will only need a couple of gallons of liquid soap and a crowbar to get her through the front door of the Big Brother house – any longer than that and producers will have to take the roof off and use a crane.

Halfwit – Remember at the start of Big Brother when Halfwit survived about eight evictions in a row? Yeah, that probably wouldn’t happen now. And it’s all Bea‘s fault. By showing the slightest flicker of interest in him, she’s turned Halfwit from an endearingly odd buffoon into the world’s most hamfisted lothario. He’s become genuinely uncomfortable to watch – he’s clearly aiming for Wordsworth, but he’s fallen short and hit Pam Ayres after an illegally large dose of HRT instead. The disgusting thing is, it seems to have worked – Bea actually kissed him last week. On the mouth. Ugh. Without question, Halfwit has worn out his invincibility now, and he’d be lucky to survive another eviction. Also, what kind of anarchist wears a linen jacket? We mean honestly.

Rodrigo – An apology: when Rodrigo entered the Big Brother house all those weeks ago, we claimed that he was like Kenneth from 30 Rock. We’d like to take that back. In actual fact, Rodrigo is like Kenneth from 30 Rock being flicked repeatedly in the eyeball by a cackling toddler – he’s perfectly kind and innocent 98% of the time, but now and again he’ll lash out with a genuinely confusing intensity. In fact, we’ve started to play Angry Rodrigo Bingo while watching Big Brother, and we suggest that you do too. What you do is make a grid of squares, and fill the squares with a number of arbitrarily chosen objects or scenarios – every time Rodrigo loses his rag about one of them, you cross it off. First one to make a line wins. It’s great – just last Friday, in fact, we won a large cash prize because Rodrigo managed to lose his temper about Chocolate Mix, being tickled, a swimming pool and the prospect of the Queen not replying to his letter. Seriously, you should try it.

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