Wow, Big Brother‘s fascinating this year, isn’t it? Oh, don’t nod and pretend you’re watching it this year – nobody else is.

So for everyone who’s studiously avoiding the show, here’s what’s happened on Big Brother so far: Krogface (yes, we’re sticking with the Krogface thing even if nobody else is) might have had sex. The Russian one stopped eating for a little while. And, oh, what was that other thing? Oh yes, that’s it – nothing else happened at all.

This week, Big Brother will evict either Halfwit or Cairon. Who goes? Nobody cares. But let’s take a look anyway…

Halfwit – Two weeks in and Halfwit has already been nominated for eviction from Big Brother twice. That wouldn’t be a particularly great record to have at the best of times, but on this year’s Big Brother – where the competition is made up of Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons, The World’s Dullest Homosexual and a Russian who’d probably edge Joseph Stalin out of the top spot in terms of ability to irritate – that’s really got to hurt Halfwit’s feelings. It seems as if the other Big Brother housemates dislike Halfwit because he’s so proudly intellectual. Or because he’s an endlessly smug bastard with the most punchable face in the history of reality television. It’s hard to tell. Either way, Halfwit seems to have connected with the fraction of the public that still watches Big Brother, so his position is probably safe for the time being.

Cairon – Cairon, on the other hand, is the hot favourite to be evicted tomorrow night. It’s clear to see why – he’s so busy strutting around the Big Brother house calling everyone “jive-ass monkey-humpers,” or whatever it is he says, and generally giving off the impression that his ultimate goal in life is to become enough of a racial stereotype to have Samuel L Jackson play him in the eventual movie adaptation of his life that he’s forgotten to actually be nice to people. So let’s just assume that Cairon is on his way out of Big Brother. That’d make him the second black housemate in a row to be evicted from this series, and the third non-white housemate. Is this a reflection of the BNP’s comparative success in the recent European elections? Or is it simply because everyone on Big Brother this year is a hopelessly unlikeable bellend who should, by rights, be fired out of a cannon into a brick wall, regardless of the order in which they’re evicted? We wish we cared enough to think this through properly.

Next week: More of this Big Brother nonsense.

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