One of the problems of this year’s Big Brother is that only two housemates have ever been nominated for eviction at a time.

Which would be OK, except that the public’s inexplicable love affair with Halfwit means that he’ll never get evicted. The evictions are a foregone conclusion right from the get-go. But things are different this week, oh things are different alright. Halfwit’s up for eviction, as ever, but so is Kris, Dogface, Charlie and Marcus. Big Brother is exciting again!

Well, maybe not ‘exciting’ per se, but, um, you know… oh, let’s just look at their chances of getting evicted, OK?

Charlie – We’ve yet to write a single thing about Charlie so far, and that’s for a very simple reason – he never does anything. Or maybe he does and we never pay attention to him, probably because his voice reminds us of what Marcus Bentley’s voice would sound like if he fell down a pit, broke his leg and stayed there for a week. Anyway, it’s fairly certain that Charlie won’t get evicted from Big Brother tomorrow night. This isn’t because he’s nice, though – it’s because his entire life’s ambition seems to be centred around coming fourth on Big Brother. And we don’t to break the poor lad’s heart.

Halfwit - Halfwit won’t go because, duh, he’s Halfwit. He’s Halfwit The Invincible. Nothing can kill Halfwit The Invincible! Nothing! Not a public vote-off against Cairon, not a public vote-off against Sree, nothing! We’ve calculated that it’ll be another three weeks before Halfwit’s continued survival genuinely makes him legitimately believe that he’s really invincible and he’ll throw himself off the roof of the Big Brother house to prove it. Three more weeks. Stick in there, kids.

Dogface - Now, it’s easy to say that Dogface won’t be evicted from Big Brother this week because she’s got gigantic tits. But this isn’t the case whatsoever – remember that the majority of Big Brother voters are teenage girls, and they don’t like rewarding girls for having big tits; they like happyslapping girls with big tits and voluntarily putting the assault on the internet. So why do the teenage girls like Dogface enough to keep her in Big Brother? Is it because she’s… a nice… person? No, that doesn’t sound right at all. God knows what the bloody answer is.

Marcus – What? Marcus is only second-favourite to be evicted from Big Brother this week? Why? Didn’t you see him on Friday’s show? He was all “Why dahhn’t you caahm ovah ere an fackiiiin say that?” to Sree, before storming into the Big Brother house and launching into such an impassioned anti-PC defence that it would have made Jim Davidson cry tears of gratitude. Marcus is a villain. Marcus is clearly a villain. He’s so much of a villain that he literally spent the other day walking around the Big Brother house twirling his moustache. What more do you people want? Should we supply him with a child-catcher net? Would that help? Christ.

Kris – And that leaves us with Kris, who is apparently the favourite to be evicted from Big Brother tomorrow night. Once again, we’re not sure why. If Kris goes, the mantle of heterosexual male totty will automatically fall to Shiavash, a man who looks like a Salvador Dali painting of a sinister teddy bear. Actually, we’re being disingenuous here – we know exactly why Kris is the favourite to be evicted from Big Brother. It’s because his Krogface relationship has turned him from a swaggering cock into something worse – the mimsying kind of tosspot who never bothers to interact with anyone else because he’s too busy nuzzling his girlfriend. But, seriously, that makes him worse than Marcus? Seriously?

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