Every man and his dog knows that Big Brother Celebrity Hijack was a big stinking tub of old porridge. Every man, it seems, except its host Dermot O'Leary – he thinks the whole thing was great. Though he doesn't want to make another one.

During January of this year, digital station E4 ran Big Brother spin-off Hijack for three and a half pitiful weeks that felt longer to endure than a spectacularly constipated shit. Essentially it was no more than a rehash of their regular Big Brother show with some minor-list celebrities 'pulling the contestants' strings' – i.e. making them act silly and squeal a lot.

While press and public responded to this fiasco by turning off their television sets and beating the next-door neighbour's cat to get their anger out, E4 owners Channel 4 still insists the show was a rousing success.

So confident is Channel 4 that fidgety host Dermot O'Leary was wheeled out of his church to pass along the good word. He may have been sniffing the communion wine at the time though, because this is what he said:

"I didn't feel like it deserved the flack from the press that it got this year. It really pissed me off how it was compared to when the series was on Channel 4. That's like comparing a corner shop to a Sainsbury's. It just wasn't fair."

Indeed, if Big Brother Celebrity Hijack was really comparable to a corner shop it would close at least some point during the day and stop showing us footage of people we wouldn't normally shoot for sport napping.

And as far as comparing the normal Big Brother show to Sainsbury's? Come on, at least money-mad supermarket front man Jamie Oliver can wander down the street and receive a flurry of insults – remembering an ex-housemate is more difficult than staying sober on your birthday.

Apparently aware of his unenviable position at being Hijack's only supporter, Dermot went into retraction mode and spluttered the following:

"I don't know if there should be another one (Hijack), maybe not. Maybe. We shall wait and see."

E4 is currently broadcasting Big Brother USA with such gusto anyone would think it was the last season of Lost. So far the show has bequeathed the most grotesquely loud oral action on the small screen since Jade Goody brushed her teeth with a bald man's todger.

Surely on this summer's Big Brother UK we can push the boat further? Literally push them all out on a boat and sink it somewhere in the Adriatic. Dermot can go live from the deck.

As a wonderful footnote, Big Brother queen Davina McCall has distanced herself so far from the Hijack spin-off she currently resides in an underground bunker giving interviews via Pot Noodle phone.

When asked about the ailing success of the programme, her empathic response incorporated the phrases:

"nothing to do with" and "no responsibility for it."

After fronting the only chat show where the bored studio audience babbled more enthusiastically than the guests, Davina would be wise to hide behind a collective of psychologically unstable losers that want fame more badly than oxygen.

"We'll be back with Big Brother this year. Big Brother's not finished yet."

Just like that, then.

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