On Friday, Big Brother said goodbye to Cairon. Farewell Cairon, we barely knew ye.

Which is just as well, really, because you seemed like a massive turd. But good luck with the rest of your life. And good luck with that whole ‘pretending to be American’ thing. We’re sure you’ll end up being at least partially convincing at it one day. But with Cairon gone, what else has been going on in the Big Brother house?

We’re not completely sure, but here’s what we think of Marcus, Angel, Karly and Siavash anyway…

Marcus – For the first week or so of Big Brother, it looked like Marcus was playing the classic ‘head down and gun for third place’ strategy. But it was always fairly obvious that someone that odd – with a haircut that impossibly terrible – wasn’t going to be able to keep a lid on his madness for very long. So that’s why it wasn’t a complete surprise when Marcus used this last week to out himself as a handsy pervert with a crippling comic book fetish who lives with his mum, seems to have a vocabulary that won’t stretch beyond the words ‘tits’ and ‘vibe’ and probably hasn’t ever seen a female woman in the flesh before. Combined, these facets of Marcus’s personality have created a bona fide nutcase. He’s already freaked out most of the girls in the Big Brother house by continually asking them to disrobe for him, and at this rate it’s only a matter of time before he goes rifling through someone’s underwear drawer with his face. However, his alienation from the rest of the house won’t be too much of a problem for him, because Marcus sees himself as a lone wolf. He’s not a wolf, though. He’s a bellend.

Angel – We’ll admit that we don’t know too much about this Angel chap, because he’s been keeping himself pretty much to himself lately. He talks in this inscrutable Russian accent all the time, too, which is a problem. However, we can feel ourselves starting to warm to Angel for a couple of reasons. Firstly, on Thursday, Angel decided to make a sort of engine noise with his mouth by humming and slapping his lips together for no other reason than because it really annoyed everyone else in the Big Brother house. And he wouldn’t stop doing it, no matter what they did. This sort of deliberate provocation sits very well with us, and we now want Angel to succeed at everything he attempts. Also on Thursday, if you needed to be convinced any further, Angel threw innocent young Sree against a wall, apparently in an effort to rape him. This was brilliant because it prompted perhaps the best anti-rape struggle in the history of the world – culminating in a kind of pained, impassioned “No! I’m happy with my life!” For these reasons, we think that we’ve started to want Angel to win Big Brother. Well done, sir.

Karly – Up until now, we’ll admit that we’ve been ignoring Karly a little. This has been because she is blonde girl with big boobs whose entire life’s ambition seems to be getting on the cover of Nuts magazine – which makes her identical to Dogface, but Dogface is more interesting because her hair is blonder, her boobs are bigger and the extent of her ambition seems to be even more jaw-droppingly vacuous. However, in recent days Karly has been trying harder to carve out an identity for herself within the Big Brother house, and that’s why we’re focusing on her today. What is this identity? Well, we now know that Karly is the girl who looks like Fearne Cotton would if her life had gone very, very wrong at an early age. Also, Karly is Scottish to such a pointless degree that she says ‘betch’ instead of ‘bitch’ which is amusing purely because of her determination to repeat it as much as she possibly can. Lastly, Karly is the Big Brother housemate with Chinese symbols tattooed down her spine – tattoos which, we suspect, translate to ‘I’m a massive twat who probably thinks this says something profoundly spiritual. It doesn’t. It says I’m a twat’. Mission accomplished, Karly.

Siavash – Siavash has an incredibly hairy bottom. That is all.

Later this week – who’s been nominated?

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