Well well, this is it – the last day of Big Brother 7. Now, after 258 days of constant Big Brother action slammed straight into your brain, the Big Brother winner is finally going to be announced.

Really, though, Big Brother is a gameshow that nobody wins. The housemates that have already been evicted – and five of the housemates still in the Big Brother house – will be forced to spend the rest of their lives being openly mocked, spat at and happy-slapped in the street, while the Big Brother winner will get to be an occasional presenter of some godawful cable TV show that nobody really watches and they'll still feel the need to lord it over everyone as if they were the biggest celebrity ever. And don't think you've got out of this scot-free, either – three months of Big Brother and what have you got? A dull headache and a gigantic phonebill, that's what. Still, can't wait for next year…

Someone has to win Big Brother tonight, but who will it be? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Nikki and Pete to win…

Nikki – You total morons. Over the last few weeks, Nikki has developed a reputation as a sort of comedy genius, even though she's basically an attention-seeking midget who we'd happily plug a leaky volcano with if we were only given the chance. We get the nagging suspicion that Nikki – after her Big Brother eviction – went home to find a load of people screaming "Who is she? Who is she?" and asking about her and Pete, and decided that they were the exact angles that she would play up if she was ever to return to the Big Brother house. Because that's what she's done – the real Nikki has been replaced by a caricature Nikki, who only does things that she thinks people will like. Judging by the Big Brother betting odds, she might even snatch victory tonight. Nikki, you may have won the war, but it's you who'll spend the next year in pikey clubs in Croydon forcing yourself to say "I ain't gonna suck fucking arsehole" for the ten billionth time to a bunch of sweaty cross-eyed tits in Ben Sherman shirts who are too drunk on WKD to even remember you the next day. So we win. Current Big Brother betting odds – 11/2

Pete – Well whoopy doo, here's a surprise. Pete, believe it or not, is favourite to win Big Brother. Just like he has been since about three seconds after he leapt into the Big Brother house, mispronounced Bonnie's name and said "wanker" 1,500 times in ten minutes. And Pete being on Big Brother has educated the country about his particular neurological condition: not only does it make you swear now and again, but it also turns you into one of the most horrifically dull tosspots in the known universe who gets sent into a crashing depression because he won't see a shrieking child for a couple of weeks and sometimes says things like "if everyone's mind was a bird we'd all unlock ourselves." So that's it – Pete is bound to win Big Brother tonight, and not a single person will make any money out of it at all. Current Big Brother betting odds – 1/6

[story by Stuart Heritage]