Think you could get rid of Mohamed as soon as possible? Fat chance – he’s going to be on Big Brother right until the very end.

That’s not the grim-minded prophesy of someone who hates mankind – well it is, a bit – it’s actually scientific fact. Mohamed has been named as head of the Big Brother house, and that means he can’t get nominated and therefore has automatically reached the upcoming Big Brother final. Bad news if you dislike Mohamed, but brilliant news if you dislike Big Brother. So a win-win for everyone, really.

Who’s going to win Big Brother? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Lisa, Darnell, Rachel and Mikey, with help from Paddy Power…

Lisa - Oh Lisa, you foolish man-looking beefcake. What have you gone and done? We’ll tell you what you’ve gone and done. You’ve gone and got engaged to Mario, that’s what. Yes, it might seem like a touchingly romantic thing to accept a marriage proposal through a pane of glass on live television, but have some foresight for God’s sake. We don’t want to be rude to you Lisa, especially since you’ve suddenly become inexplicably popular in our brief absence, so we won’t. All we’ll say is this – either you or Mario had better be completely infertile, because any children you have will all look like Wolf out of Gladiators. But, you know, congratulations and whatever. Current Big Brother betting odds – 7/1

Darnell – Occasionally we happen to miss an episode of Big Brother, and usually we view that as a kind of special treat. But sometimes it hurts, like the time we missed the moment when Darnell admitted that he didn’t have a girlfriend and covered himself in chocolate as some kind of bizarre self-hate penance. That sort of thing is once in a lifetime entertainment and we blew it. Sorry. But it must have worked, because Darnell is still riding high in the Big Brother betting odds. Maybe covering yourself in chocolate and ranting about what a miserable freak you are is the way to success after all. If it is, then perhaps Tom Daley should think about doing that instead of diving, the weird ventriloquist dummy nobhead. Current Big Brother betting odds – 7/2

Rachel – We’ve secretly always wanted Rachel to do well in Big Brother, if only for the fact that her inevitable Nuts magazine photospread would be one of those awkward ‘Look! It’s Rachel From Big Brother In An Unusually Thick Floor-Length Nightie!’ shoots. With a few weeks to go, Rachel looks certain to be in the Big Brother final, and she’s got there by being sweet and lovely and whatever the opposite of vindictive is. It just goes to show that while nice guys finish last, nice girls don’t finish last so long as they wear enough bikinis. Current Big Brother betting odds – 11/4

Mikey – Wait a minute, the blind bloke’s going to win Big Brother after all? Well diddle us silly. Of course, we always thought at first that Mikey would win Big Brother, but that’s purely because he’s blind and people are pity-filled idiots. But then it became painfully clear that as well as being blind, Mikey was actually a bit of a dick and his betting odds dropped accordingly. And now he’s the favourite to win Big Brother again. Why? Is it because Mikey has suddenly become nice? No. The only thing we can think of is that Mikey recently shaved his head and now everyone thinks that he’s a blind man going through chemotherapy. But that’s awful and we never actually thought that. Current Big Brother betting odds – 5/4

Tomorrow – eviction betting odds. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.