Well, that’s it. That’s summer done. Big Brother 9 started last night, which means we’ve got three months of idiots screaming about nothing to put up with.

And, lord, are there ever a lot of Big Brother housemates this year – 16 on opening night alone. This year Big Brother has gone for a Zero Tolerance theme, so there are prisons and different standards of bedrooms and people have to pay to use hair straighteners and whatnot. But that can unfold in the days to come. What about this year’s batch of gibbering plebs?

Well, here are the first-night Big Brother betting odds for all six million new housemates to win, with help from Paddy Power…

Mario and Lisa – Basically the overfamiliar couple you dread meeting on holiday. She’s comprised of 98% make-up and he looks like Matt LeBlanc after some sort of horrible industrial accident. At the moment Mario and Lisa have to fool the other Big Brother housemates into thinking that they’re not a real couple, which is a blessing, because the less time they have to have sex during Big Brother the better, frankly. Current Big Brother betting odds – Mario – 20/1, Lisa – 33/1

Luke – A fast-talking, clean-living politics student who seems to wear a suit all the time despite it making him look like a toddler at a wedding, Luke says women often think he’s gay. Gay people could probably sue for such a heinous character slur. He’s in on this whole Big Brother fake couple ruse, although we’re not sure why it needs a wannabe Chuckle Brother in it to work. Current Big Brother betting odds – 7/1

Stephanie – Now, Stephanie fits into this Big Brother fake couple task because she’s been assigned the role of Mario’s fake girlfriend, and they have to fool the other Big Brother housemates into thinking that they’re a couple. Luckily this might work, because Mario looks exactly like the kind of man who’d go for a vapid, fake-tanned Nuts model in waiting with ideas slightly above her station, and fortunately that’s exactly what Stephanie is. Utterly generic. Current Big Brother betting odds – 25/1

Rachel – Quick, you’ve got to spend 93 days in a house; who’s the last person you’d want to share the time with? A girl who looks like Wednesday Addams and has a voice like a machinegun made out of guinea pigs? Good job you’re not in the Big Brother house, then, because that’s Rachel in a nutshell. Among the 50 billion words Rachel gurbled out in her Big Brother intro was the phrase “I’m proud to be a curvy woman.” You could pick a lock with Rachel. She is an idiot. Current Big Brother betting odds – 10/1

Dale – What’s Big Brother without a handsome boy who knows he’s handsome to the point of appearing to be a totally obnoxious dickwipe? This is the role filled this year by Dale, a boy who’s promised to ‘nail’ all the ‘fanny’ in the Big Brother house and doesn’t like talking to ugly people because, well, because he’s a cunt. Let’s not beat around the bush, shall we? Current Big Brother betting odds – 12/1

Sylvia – As a devout christian who lived in Sierra Leone during the civil war before moving to the UK, Sylvia was understandably booed by the Big Brother crowd last night. Although perhaps that wasn’t the reason for her terrible reception – maybe that was down to the fact that she hates girls and is so obsessed with shoes and clothes that pretty much the only word spoken during her Big Brother intro was ‘trendy’. Current Big Brother betting odds – 33/1

Dennis – What’s that? No flamboyant homosexuals in the Big Brother house yet? OK, here’s Dennis. Dennis, no word of a lie, looks like a nightmare. He LOVES to DANCE, you see, and admits that he zings between emotional extremes like nobody’s business. Dennis is also a compulsive approval-seeker, shares personal information with others a little too easily and wears shit hats. That is all. Current Big Brother betting odds -20/1

Mikey - Look, we may as well all go home now. Mikey’s got Big Brother sewn up. He’s clearly, clearly going to win the show this year. His betting odds are 3/1, and they’re only going to shrink. Mikey is blind, you see. And a comedian. And a transvestite. And he seems like a lovely, sweet person to boot – not like the last disabled person they had on Big Brother, who turned out to be a dick. Do yourself a favour and bet on Mikey now. You’ll regret it in a few weeks if you don’t. Current Big Brother betting odds – 3/1

Alexandra - If you want to be liked by the public, it’s probably foolish to spend two minutes introducing yourself yourself as the most special person on the planet just because you’ve got the same birthday as the Queen Mother. This is what Alexandra did last night, and she was almost booed into outer space for it. Don’t expect to see too much of this one. Unless it was all for show. Which it was. Current Big Brother betting odds – 50/1

Rex – Rex is a kind of slightly well-known face outside of Big Brother. He’s a rah-rah Hampstead chef and the son of the bloke who owns Beach Blanket Babylon. You know, the gay one. Obscenely privileged, Rex gives off a bit of an upper-class sex pest vibe and says he needs 15 hours of sleep a night. Even though he’s supposed to be a chef. Knob. Current Big Brother betting odds – 12/1

Mohamed – Mohamed isn’t a terrorist! He’s got an afro! And he’s an immigrant from Somalia! And that’s the only interesting thing about him! Mohamed has ‘the quiet one who sneaks into the Big Brother final’ written all over him. Literally written all over him. It’s not much of a tactic, to be fair. Current Big Brother betting odds – 10/1

Rebecca – You know earlier how we said Rachel would be everyone’s least-desired Big Brother housemate because she talks a lot? Yeah, we lied. Rebecca is the one you’d least want to spend time with because, rather than taking, she screams. Actually screams. Screams like she’s being stabbed. All the fucking time. But then, what’s Big Brother without the fat excitable small-town girl? It’s the law to have one every year, don’t you know. Current Big Brother betting odds – 20/1

Darnell – Similarly, it’s also the law that each year Big Brother must include a black American albino who’s never seen an episode of Big Brother in his life. And this year it’s Darnell – a man who high-fived everyone in sight and carried a gigantic American football into the Big Brother house with him. Lucky for Darnell that he’s an albino, because otherwise he’d just be a featureless big shorts-wearing div. Current Big Brother betting odds – 8/1

Jennifer – Jennifer has a baby who she claims to love very much, even though she’s decided to spend 93 days without any form of contact with it. In actual fact, Jennifer seems to slightly resent her child – something that could explain her extreme anti-immigrant, pro-life views. On the surface Jennifer is the least likable Big Brother housemate of the year. But then again she looks a bit like one of Girls Aloud, so we’re sure nobody will care. Current Big Brother betting odds – 25/1

Kathreya – And last but not least, there’s Kathreya, who, as an ambassador for the entire country of Thailand, has decided to look, talk and act like a sugar-deranged Teletubby. She loves food, makes sex noises when she eats, leaps around like a Pokemon and says “At party they think I on drug!” a lot. Adorable in the way that only something really fucking annoying can be. Current Big Brother betting odds – 6/1

Next week: How are the housemates fitting in? But But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.