We’ve just been told that last week’s Big Brother eviction was the lowest-rated for seven years. Time for a party!

Why? Don’t you see? It means that hardly anyone got to see Belinda! And the fewer people who are aware of Belinda, the less chance we have of ever hearing from her again! It’s not quite the humane abattoir-style stun-gun and throat-slit dispatch we’d envisioned, but it’s close enough.

Anyway, we’ll get to Darnell, Mohamed and Rebecca tomorrow – because they’re all up for eviction this week – but for now, who’ll win Big Brother? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Dale, Darnell, Luke and Kat, with help from Paddy Power…

Dale – Jennifer has been out of the Big Brother house for long enough to simultaneously whap her norks out like a slapper in Nuts magazine and tell the world that she doesn’t fancy Dale in the slightest, but that doesn’t mean that Dale has forgotten about her. On the three occasions that Dale has actually spoken this month, two of them have been lovelorn Jen-centric sighs. It makes us want to evict Dale from Big Brother immediately, to be honest, because we enjoy seeing pretty boys have their hearts trampled into mush on live TV. The one other time that Dale spoke, by the way, was when he decided to become head of the Big Brother house. And hasn’t that worked out swimmingly? Current Big Brother betting odds – 5/1

Darnell – They say that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely, but it turns out that a desultory amount of obviously token power can turn you into a full-on wanker as well, as proved last week when Darnell became head of the Big Brother house. Swept in on the power of an unnervingly sincere campaign speech, Darnell absolutely fell to shit within moments of being appointed. The casual misogyny was almost immediate, ordering people to cook him dinner and then refusing to eat it came soon after, and the Gollum-style tantrum he threw when the power was taken away from him was astounding. Frankly, we’re starting to feel that Darnell would turn into a brutal megalomaniac if you gave him control of a watering can, so let’s all agree never to let him win Big Brother. Deal? Current Big Brother betting odds – 5/1

Luke – We’re still utterly incapable of working out why Luke is riding so high in these Big Brother betting odds. Is it because he’s the underdog? Because he’s got a funny-looking girlfriend? Because he speaks with the patter of a deeply untrustworthy used car dealer? If any of you actually like Luke, please leave a comment explaining why. We’re stumped. All we can see is a scrawny little bugger who won’t stop complaining about every little thing that happens to him and seems so depressed that he occasionally has to kiss a fat girl in the same way a self-harmer might slash away at their arms to give themselves something worse to feel. Honestly, we think we need your input here. Badly. Current Big Brother betting odds – 3/1

Kat – If you’ve been reading these Big Brother betting odds for the last couple of weeks then you’ll have noticed that we’ve been starting to get a little bit bored of Kat. But don’t worry, because we’ve reversed our decision – a couple of days ago we realised that Kat doesn’t actually have any joints in her arms or legs and we laughed for about seven hours solid about it. And Kat cried a lot because she ate a secret banana. So, yes, Kat to win Big Brother again please. It might sound like we’re being dangerously fickle, but it probably says a lot about this year’s Big Brother that a fat stiff-limbed foreigner eating a banana stands out as a feelgood moment of the series. Current Big Brother betting odds – 15/8

Tomorrow: Big Brother betting odds for Friday’s eviction. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.