Big news in the Big Brother house! Wait, did we say ‘big news’? We meant ‘no news’. No news in the Big Brother house!

Probably the most exciting thing to happen on Big Brother is the fact that the heavenly housemates have been watching the hell housemates’ Big Brother intro videos. So basically it’s taken over 50 days for them to work out what we’ve all known from day one – that they’re all a bunch of stinking ninnies.

So who’ll win Big Brother this year? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Stuart, Rachel, Mikey and Rex, with help from Paddy Power…

Stuart - This is a big week for Stuart – he’s head of the Big Brother house! That means, um, that means… oh alright, that doesn’t actually mean anything at all, judging by Darnell and Dale‘s stints as Big Brother house-heads. But at least it means that Stuart gets to act out his little alpha male power fantasy for a couple of days. And you know what that means – sensitive ‘boo hoo I miss the daughter I chose to neglect for two months of minor TV fame’ Stuart gets to take a back seat to the arrogant, strutting, only-interested-in-himself wanker that Stuart’s been cack-handedly trying to suppress since day one of Big Brother. Still, on the bright side, Stuart’s bound to infuriate so many people as head of the Big Brother house that he’s a dead cert for next week’s nominations. And you know what to do if that happens, right kids? Current Big Brother betting odds – 20/1

Rachel - Seriously, is Rachel being edited unfairly or something? Right from the start of Big Brother, a huge swathe of the housemates have violently taken against Rachel, but for the life of us we haven’t been able to work out why. True, she does talk a lot – actually that’s an understatement, Rachel never cocking shuts up – but she does appear to get on with everyone, at least. And yet people genuinely dislike her. The thought of the Big Brother bullies breaking Rachel’s spirit actually worries us quite a lot, you know – partly because she’s sort of adorably puppyish all the time, and partly because we’ve been looking forward to breaking Rachel’s spirit after she’s been evicted. Those bloody Big Brother housemates get all the fun! Damn them all! Current Big Brother betting odds – 14/1

Mikey – Mikey is walking, breathing proof that you can take away a Scotsman’s eyesight but nothing you can ever do will take away his inbuilt predilection for whining all the time about everything in a pointlessly annoying voice. And the British public – or at least the minuscule speck of it that still watches Big Brother – seems to be slowly cottoning on to what a mingey old wanker Mikey actually is, judging by the way his betting odds have dropped off in the last few weeks. The Big Brother housemates are still caught up in the whole ‘trying not to look like bastard by nominating the disabled guy’ thing, so Mikey’s going to be safe inside the Big Brother house for a good while yet. But if Mikey actually wins Big Brother we’ll do whatever the nonvisual alternative to eating a hat is. Listening to a hat? If Mikey wins Big Brother we’ll listen to a hat. Then he’ll be sorry. Current Big Brother betting odds – 11/1

Rex – Calling the remaining Big Brother housemates a bad bunch would be a horrible insult to bad bunches. The remaining Big Brother housemates are a cripplingly shit bunch of woefully dull titfaces who couldn’t be even slightly entertaining if you dressed them all up as clowns and paid a crocodile to chase them around. So, with that lengthy proviso out of the way, we can say that we’re starting to see Rex as a dark horse to win Big Brother. Of late he’s started to emerge as the malevolent leader of the Big Brother house – he speaks a lot of sense, but he’s completely unable to stop himself from lobbing insults at the rest of the housemates just for the hell of it. Not only is it the closest thing to entertainment at the moment, but we’re starting to think that Rex would make a semi-decent hecklerspray writer too. We’d beat him up after about an hour because he’s obviously a terrible cunt, but hey. Current Big Brother betting odds – 6/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother betting odds for Dale, Darnell, Luke and Kat. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.