There’s another Big Brother eviction tomorrow! We haven’t been counting, but we’re fairly sure this might be the thousandth one of the year.

But who cares, because tomorrow either Bea or Marcus or David will be evicted from the Big Brother house. And really it could be any of… oh, who are we kidding? It’ll be Bea, won’t it? By a mile. Bea’s going to be evicted from the Big Brother house by a mile. She definitely will. Definitely.

But, hey, let’s play dumb and look at the chances of all three of them for the sake of tradition…

Marcus - Now that the Noirin debacle is firmly behind him, Marcus has emerged as something of a fan favourite. Actually we’re underselling this – Marcus has turned into a hero. He can’t be shifted from the Big Brother house. Not even the fact that Marcus feels compelled to fill every single moment of silence with awful directionless whistling delivered at such a punishing volume and frequency that it gives us vertigo can shift Marcus from the Big Brother house. Not even footage of Marcus masturbating in front of other housemates can shift Marcus from the Big Brother house. We sort of wish it would, though. Ugh.

David – No no no no no no. You absolutely must not vote David out of the Big Brother house tomorrow. He’s the best. Imagine if you shaved a bear, gave it a powerful knock on the head, dressed it up as a dickhead and then set it loose in the Big Brother house. No, actually don’t imagine it. You don’t need to. That’s exactly what David is. And we wouldn’t want him any other way. Well, maybe a bit cleverer. And better to look at. And most other things, come to think of it. We don’t really like David, to be honest. But if he wins Big Brother then Charlie won’t. And we like Charlie even less.

Bea – Right, let’s stop this charade immediately. If Bea isn’t evicted from Big Brother tomorrow, we’ll eat our hat. Then we’ll eat your hat. Then we’ll poo them out onto the top of our own head. That’s how certain we are of Bea’s eviction. It’s hard to tell if Bea’s constant neediness this week is the result of a meticulously crafted gameplan or the onset of mental illness, but whatever it is, it’s going down badly with the other housemates, with the viewing public and – following her weird teary outburst at her own mother this week – her own immediate family. Maybe Bea just misses Halfwit. No, no that can’t be it. Nobody has ever missed Halfwit for the duration of his entire life, even ironically.

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