hecklerspray shudders to think what Channel Four have got lined up in the schedules for next year.

More crucifyingly awful Hollyoaks late-night ’specials’? Jimmy Carr presents the Top Ten Bestest Ever Most Special Things In The Universe Times Infinity (‘Number Ten: Cheese! Number Nine: Glass! Number Eight: The Eurythmics!’)?

And – of course – another series of Big Brother.

Something which might not please regulatory board Ofcom and the thousands of people who complained about the last series. Apparently the whole Big Brother spazmo-circus was deemed to be “operating at the limits of acceptability.”

Not surprising, really, if you look back at Big Brother 6 (DVDs). Whether it was Craig’s drunken molestations, Anthony and Makosi’s sordid fling in the hot tub or Volkswagen-with-lipstick Kinga stuffing a champagne bottle up her mimsy, it was hardly Watch With Mother, was it?

Ofcom narrowly came to the conclusion that Channel Four should be let off with a quick slap of the wrist, specifying that:

“We should stress that we only decided this ‘on balance’ and that our concerns were serious.This programme, in our view, along with the (scenes
of) Anthony and Makosi in the pool, operated at the limits of
acceptability, in terms of potential harm and/or offence for a
programme of this nature, broadcast on this channel and at this time.”

Looks like the Big Brother bosses at media giant Endemol are going to have to have a serious think about how they handle next year’s series. Which is something of a coincidence, as hecklerspray has managed to stumble across a few secret files from the Big Brother production team. In our minds.

May we present to you, then, the Ten Point Plan For Big Brother 2006:

1. At least one contestant forced to beg for food

2. ‘Talk Talk’ sponsors to launch daring new ‘buy our phones you fucking plebs’ in-show campaign

3. Evicted contestants fired into sun

4. Contestants vetted beforehand to ensure that they are all deeply fulfilled and intellectually capable human beings

5. Contestants now refer to Big Brother as “Mummy”

6. Diary room to feature assortment of razor blades and flashing ‘End Your Pain Now’ sign

7. Contestants to be handed books; made to figure out what they are

8. Live video stream available via direct injection

9. Special Late Review crossover episode featuring Wacky Mark Lawson

10. Crowds attending evictions forced to be better-looking

Don’t know about you, but we just can’t wait for summer ..

Read More:

Big Brother Crudity ‘At Limits’ – BBC News

Bemoan the current state of Channel Four with the wonderful Cooked And Bombed ‘Tumbleweed’ Awards

[story by C J Davies]