On Thursday night the Big Brother housemates voted for nominations live in an attempt to boost ratings.

And it certainly worked because we, um, forgot to watch that particular episode of Big Brother. With dedicated fans like us, no wonder the show’s going from strength to strength. But anyway, it turns out that the Big Brother housemates nominated for eviction tonight are Angel and Halfwit.

One of them has to go – and it doesn’t take a genius to work out which one it’ll be – but for the sake of tradition let’s get down to it and assess their chances of Big Brother survival anyway…

Halfwit – Forget Krogface (yes, we’re still sticking with the Krogface thing. It’ll catch on eventually, we promise) because Halfwit is the only reason to watch Big Brother at the moment. That’s not necessarily because he’s witty and charismatic – because he’s neither, and his stupid voice makes us fantasise about pushing him down a flight of stairs – but because the people in the Big Brother house still haven’t caught onto the fact that he’s inexplicably popular with the public. This is Halfwit’s third nomination in three weeks, and it’ll probably be his third eviction survival. Before long they’ll start to realise that Halfwit is a fan favourite and then – plagued by the knowledge that the viewers prefer a simpering aristocratic bellend with a crap beard to them – they’ll start self-harming for attention. Or Halfwit will get so annoyed by being nominated by his peers week after week that he’ll start smothering them in their sleep. We don’t really care which of these happens first, so long as one of them happens.

Angel – Poor old Angel. She’s up against the confusing might that is Halfwit, and she doesn’t stand a chance. In a way it’ll be sad to see Angel go, because she’s a genuine Big Brother eccentric. What’s more, she’s possibly the horniest Big Brother housemate in years, too – at the last count she’d fallen love with Noirin, made Halfwit fall in love with her and sort of did something dangerously approaching attempted rape on Sree – and given a few more weeks with no action in the Big Brother house there’s a very strong chance that Angel would have started graphically licking herself like a domesticated animal. On the other hand, though, it won’t be too much of a shame to see Angel go, because it means that Big Brother is one step away from ending. So let’s assume that Angel is out tonight. We just hope that she leaves the Big Brother house as she enters it – in slow motion, wearing a top hat, doing cack-handed mime moves and getting booed by just about everyone on the entire planet.

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