Poor old Angel. Just a few weeks into Big Brother and already she’s been evicted. How sad.

Whatever will Angel do with her life now? Apart, you know, from her professional boxing, professional singing, professional tattoo-artisting, fashion design, fitness coaching and all-round looking a bit like a man? We literally have no idea. That poor girl’s all at sea. We’d worry about her, but we’ll have forgotten what her name is by Wednesday so it hardly seems worth it.

Anyway, now that Angel’s gone, here’s who’s been catching our eye in the Big Brother house this week…

Krogface – Yes, Krogface. Bloody Krogface, OK? Kris and Dogface. Krogface. People will start calling them this soon. They will. Especially since, if their sole exposure to Big Brother this year has been through red-top newspapers, they’ll probably believe that Krogface are the only Big Brother housemates on the show. Every day in The Sun it’s Krogface this and Krogface that – but the thing is, Krogface are rubbish. They’re possibly the most boring Big Brother housemates of all time. Kris does nothing but mope around silently like Rod Hull’s lobotomised niece, and Dogface is so completely vapid that we’re genuinely starting to believe that she’s a lost Samanda sibling who was cast out of the family as an infant for not even being as clever as her moronic sisters. We don’t even think that Dogface has managed a full sentence from beginning to end without making a mistake since Big Brother started. They’re awful. Please, let’s get Krogface out so she can get the obligatory Nuts cover out of the way and we can go about forgetting them forever.

Noirin - Now that Noirin has finally been allowed to stop drawing marker pen glasses on her face and let her eyebrows grow back, it’s about time that we celebrated her as the hottie that she is. Hooray! We’d quite like Noirin to be our girlfriend actually. Even though she spends most of her time being pointlessly confrontational towards anyone who shows her even the faintest glimmer of attention. And she’s completely infatuated with herself. And she’s convinced that she’s cleverer than she actually is, even though in reality she’s one of those awful sixth-formy wankers who constantly try so hard to look deep that they actually come across as the world’s worst kind of smugly vacuous jizzpot. And she’s an impossible arsehole all the time. Actually, you know what? We probably don’t want Noirin to be our girlfriend. She’s a berk.

Lisa – We’ve been ignoring Lisa a little since Big Brother started, and this has been for two reasons. Firstly, she looks like Lil’ Chris will once the inevitable crack addiction kicks in. Secondly, whenever she appears on screen it’s all we can do not to kick the TV over and smash it into splinters with our bare hands. Lisa is terrible – she seems to want to position herself as Big Brother’s resident mother-figure, except that she’s so grating and genuinely unlikeable that she ends up coming across as the sort of abusive mother who you’d find in one of those Boy Named It-style misery-porn books. Everyone who disagrees with Lisa – which is everyone, because Lisa is an arse – ends up being subjected to a lengthy, angry, holier-than-thou diatribe that always seems to be based around the theme of “I can do whatever I like, right?”, and that’s literally all the woman does. Except for sing to herself, obviously, because Lisa seems to fancy herself as a bit of a pop star in the making. She isn’t. When she sings she sounds like Adrien Chiles being repeatedly smacked in the balls with a plank of wood. If you hadn’t guessed by now, we don’t really like Lisa very much.

Later this week – Big Brother eviction nonsense.

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