It's that time of year again. Come Wednesday evening, nothing – nothing – will seem more important to the great British public than watching a bunch of semi-literate dullards take their clothes off and fight every now and then.

Big Brother 8 is coming.

As is tradition by now – well, tradition in that we did it last year, and are probably going to continue doing it through the 70,000 remaining seasons of the bastard thing - hecklerspray has dug deep into our culturally-clued-up, media-savvy well and emerged with a set of sparkling predictions as to what will take place in the House O' Idiocy this time around.

We already know that there's a skate ramp in the back garden – officially the most exciting news in the history of the known universe. But what else will be happening in Big Brother this year? Let's take a look into our crystal ball…

- Channel 4 to embrace special 'racism' theme, as pioneered by this year's Celebrity Big Brother

- Contestants Daz, Baz and Gaz will continually engage in high-concept philosophical discussion with contestants Kylie, Tamika and T-Jay

- Voice of Big Brother to be played by Joe Pasquale. Under duress

- Mid-series unleashing of velociraptor into house

- Any contestant displaying any sign of mental wellbeing to be evicted immediately

- Controversial 'Suicide Bomber' task will add whole new 'real-world' dimension to show

- Contestants to be driven insane by constant use of immersion tanks, much like William Hurt in 1980 cult movie Altered States

- Alcohol to be used responsibly

- Whoever is deemed 'favourite' at the beginning of the contest will definitely, definitely win

Read More:

Big Brother – Channel Four