Hooray! Big Brother is back! Hooray! And because this is its final year, the launch show did its best to mimic the entire Big Brother decade.

It started out exciting. Then halfway through it threw in somebody who looked famous but wasn’t. And then it became so overwhelmingly tedious that we automatically wished pain on all of the housemates and briefly considered euthanising ourselves because we didn’t think it was ever going to end. The entire Big Brother experience, summed up in 90 minutes. Great work, Channel Four.

But who’s in the Big Brother house this year? Glad you asked – we’ve listed them after the jump. Honestly, the things we put ourselves through for you people…

So, the Big Brother launch show was different this year, because the 14 housemates were picked live on TV – it was definitely live, by the way, even the the sky somehow stayed visibly lighter than anywhere else in the rest of the UK for about 30 minutes – from a group of over 80 hopefuls.

Essentially what this meant was that – instead of seeing the Big Brother housemates quickly get out of a car, trot down a runway and enter the house – we had to sit through a dull, prolonged The Price Is Right-style selection process whenever a new housemate was named. It happened 14 times. FOURTEEN TIMES. Great way to keep things zippy, Big Brother.

But who were the 14 grasping attention-starved empty vessels picked to be this year’s Big Brother housemates? Let’s see, shall we?

Josie – Blonde, chicken-liking, petrol-drinking Carry On idiot.

Steve – Tattooed amputee. One black contact lens. Looks like he beats people up for a living.

Ben – Posh cock who wears a jumper around his shoulders, which everyone knows is the universal sign for ‘I’m a tremendous cock’.

Rachael – Beyonce lookalike. Might be a bitch, but we’re willing to overlook that purely because she looks like Beyonce and we’re incredibly shallow.

Nathan – Eyebrows. That is all.

Dave – A monk or an emo or something. Oh, God knows.

Caiomah – A sort of white Rihanna who pretends to be a lesbian sometimes because she hasn’t got a personality.

Govan – This year’s Normal One. Except he’s never been in a relationship because he’s probably some sort of bloody sociopath for all anyone bleeding knows.

Shabby – You knows those little porcelain dolls of sad-looking tramps dressed like Charlie Chaplin? That.

Ife – A singer, she says. A bit nothingy, really.

John James - An Australian labouring under the impression that no British people have ever seen an Australian before. Nobody take him out drinking in Shepherd’s Bush when he’s evicted, for crying out loud. It’ll break his heart. The nearest thing to boy-totty of the year.

Sunshine - She is called Sunshine and she wears a tiny hat. We’ve hated people for less.

Corin – A Jordan lookalike who appears to have been pieced together from hundreds of fossilised foreskins and most of Superdrug.

Mario – A wildcard housemate who has entered the house as a mole but – get this! – he’s… tee hee… dressed as an actual mole. That’s so random! Except that it’s actually the precise opposite of random!

And that’s it. We’ll be checking in with Big Brother intermittently throughout the series – or maybe more if it looks like Steve’s post-traumatic stress disorder will kick in and make him attack Ben – so it’s not all bad, is it? It is? Who are we kidding, of course it is.

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