Big Brother 11 has finished! And, like a finger poking at an open sore, Ultimate Big Brother dives straight in to keep us all in one of two camps – those that loathe the show and those that don’t watch it. And yet, there’s a few glaring omissions that have vexed some viewers. If this is ultimate, then how about some ultimate housemates?

Of course, BB11 was won by Josie, which on reflection, was a fair result. It would have been nice if Andrew had won, by virtue of the fact that he was a composite of 4 or 5 different likeable lads you knew from school, just like JJ was a composite of everyone you ever forgot in your form.

Josie went back into the house to partake in Ultimate Big Brother with a bunch of old favourites… but wait… where are some of the best?

First to enter the house (after Josie) was Chantelle Houghton, who still has the look of a bewildered puppy staring at its own reflection in the mirror. Of course, she’s joined by knuckle-faced Preston who it seems has come to terms with the fact that his music days are well and truly over and his only hope is to appear on various Big Brother shows and hope that in the future, someone invents a reality TV version of ComicCon so he can be prodded at by bored housewives.

Alas, aside from awkward conversations about their divorce, these two housemates aren’t likely to provide much in the way of televisual entertainment. Really, this pair should’ve been replaced by Victor (who of course conducted an argument whilst dressed as a clown) and Science, the single greatest BB contestant ever who spat the immortal line “tweedle dee, tweedle dum and tweedle twat.”

Good value BB5 winner, Nadia Almada, entered the house with 200 fags under her arm and that fascinating voice of hers which sounds simultaneously like someone going down a cobbled street on a bike and someone crying for help whilst trapped in thermal underwear.

It was obvious that Brian Dowling (BB2 winner) would make an appearance as he’s probably the most popular BB winner in the show’s history. Hopefully, he’ll get to recreate his toe-curling stints with Peter Simon on The Mint when the former Double Darer had something of a nervous breakdown and tried to insert his flaccid penis into the Irishman.

Ulrika Jonsson has hauled her skinned duck-face into the house to remind us of one of the best housemates in the show’s history… Vern Troyer. Yep. Ulrika may have won a previous show, but really, she was pretty boring and could’ve been replaced with someone far more interesting like Pete Burns’ gorilla coat.

Effectively taking the mantle of deluded shit-fer-brains, Makosi Musambasi entered the house and immediately became pregnant. For some reason, she was dressed like a drug mule in sequins and will no doubt give off the air of some kind of hideous royal family member whilst actually conducting herself like Widow Twanky.

Coolio and John McCririck both turned up (mercifully, only one of them rapped their way in) to a) Best open and frank about doing it for the money and b) to act as the human equivalent to paper cuts for the rest of the house and viewing public.

Then, two veritable BB legends. Nikki Grahame ‘Nasty’ Nick Bateman tootled into the house, both sharing a haunted look in their eyes, with Nikki managing to look like a toddler AND a pensioner at the same time. Nick meanwhile, will be surely hoping for another performance on some kind of assault course so we can all laugh our undercarriages sopping.

Davina has already alluded to the fact that two more housemates are going to be entering the house and, on the strength of last night’s entrants, we’ll be seeing more panto villains. That means Pete Burns and Michael Barrymore if he’s not crying in a corner, rocking back-and-forth singing nursery rhymes.

The last bow by Big Brother shows that, if you want to get ahead in the show, then act like a prick. There’s no room for seemingly sweet people like Rachel Rice or Dogface/Sophie. Brian Belo could well make an appearance just so he can piss himself again and thrash his giant penis around in the spa.

As long as Kate Lawler doesn’t show up, we should be fine. Anyone for a spot of melted waxwork Jackie Stallone?

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