This is just in, so brace yourselves. Apparently Twilight star Robert Pattinson has a birthday each year.

We know, we’re shocked ourselves. But let’s just steady ourselves and try to work out what this means – it means that Robert Pattinson’s age incrementally increases by one year on a set calendar date, which has blown our minds. Still, at least Robert Pattinson didn’t celebrate his so-called ‘birthday’ with friends in Canada this week. What? Robert Pattinson did celebrate his so-called ‘birthday’ with friends in Canada this week? This is all too much news!

Fingers crossed somebody bought him a hairbrush, eh?

We’re not saying this is a quiet news day or anything but – look – it’s Robert Pattinson’s birthday. OK, technically it’s not Robert Pattinson’s birthday today, and it wasn’t Robert Pattinson’s birthday yesterday either, for that matter. It was Robert Pattinson’s birthday the day before yesterday. And yet we’re telling you about it today. Like we said, not a slow news day. Definitely not a slow news day.

But, oh, what the hell, let’s go with it. On Wednesday Robert Pattinson celebrated his 23rd birthday, which is ironic since in Twilight he plays a perpetual teenager and in Little Ashes he plays a man who was born in 1904 and is probably a lot older than 23! It’s crazy!

Although reaching the grand old age of 23 poses a serious threat to Robert Pattinson’s career – since traditionally it’s the age where you have to get a proper job and cut your hair and stop poncing around with your cheeks all sucked in because you think it makes you look deep when in reality it actually makes you look like a bulimic shoebox with a learning disability – that didn’t stop him from celebrating his birthday on Wednesday night in wild fashion, as People reports:

Pattinson and his pals were treated to champagne cocktails in the the V.I.P. section of the restaurant. They ordered rounds of shooters and feasted on Kobe beef meatballs, lamb, steak, salads and roasted vegetables. “Everyone enjoyed a hearty meal and had a good appetite,” said a source.

Roasted vegetables? Salads? Sometimes we really wish we could experience this jet-set moviestar lifestyle for ourselves, you know. Anyway, Robert Pattinson was joined for his birthday celebration by members of the New Moon cast, which was deeply philanthropic of them all because, as you’ll remember, Robert Pattinson stinks like bad yoghurt that’s been stirred with a poo.

And nothing else happened. The end.

So that’s Robert Pattinson’s 23rd birthday covered. Join us again soon, when we’ll explore each of Robert Pattinson’s bowel movements – plus a blow-by-blow account of the time that Robert Pattinson thought he’d left his phone in his house before quickly realising that it was actually in his pocket the whole time – in so much detail that you’ll feel like deliberately drowning yourself.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!