Stop the presses. Beyonce Knowles is about to do something rather marvellous and it does not even involve her wiggling her booty out of time with mediocre music.
She is rumoured to be in talks to star in Sister Act. What do you mean is that it?
Terrible 80s films are the new black. Watching Beyonce break out into a cold sweat when she realises that she has to hold an audience’s attention without the use of her arse cheeks is going to be worth the inflated price of admission.
What do you mean you won’t go and see a film with Beyonce fully-clothed and not engaging in sequences that ooze her thinly veiled sexuality?
Sigh. I’ll have you know that queen jiggles is a mighty fine actress… assuming that she can find a role that does not require her to play for laughs, sing, or just suck on camera.
She managed to only suck like Paris Hilton on a first date in Obsessed. She was not as gawd awful as the scathing reviews of the movie would have you believe. If she puts her mind and her bottom to it, there is nothing this little lady cannot do.
Actually, that’s not true. She cannot stifle her inner drag queen. Nor can she avoid the fact that if she keeps yelling like that instead of singing she’s going to get a terrible sore throat that not even a packet of Strepsils will be able to fix.
Back to the movie. Beyonce was inspired to ruin the very definition of chewing gum for the eyes Sister Act after seeing its musical performance onstage. She reportedly asked her people whether a remake would be possible and set about trying to make it happen. Every time a bad 80s movie is remade a kitten is moidered. But don’t worry your pretty little head. We can rest safe in the knowledge that the last thing Beyonce tried to make happen was shoulder pads and look how far that got her.
“Beyonce has asked her representatives to persuade Disney to develop the show into a film vehicle for her,” a source told Britain’s Daily Mail newspaper.
Does jiggles have that much sway outside of her immediate circle that she can make this movie happen? Only time will tell. Well time and her dungeon master daddy who I have it on good authority moves heaven and earth to keep his daughter at number one.
“If this comes to pass, she would take on, in musical form, the part Whoopi Goldberg created in the 1992 Sister Act film.”
Here’s hoping jiggles has every success with getting this off the ground. One tour and one album are not nearly enough fodder to keep her multiple personalities amused… and we all know the hell that breaks loose when they get bored…
You know who wrote this? Amy Grindhouse did. Now visit her site.