Beyonce To Ruin Cinematic Masterpiece Sister Act

Beyonce, Sister ActStop the presses. Beyonce Knowles is about to do something rather marvellous and it does not even involve her wiggling her booty out of time with mediocre music.

She is rumoured to be in talks to star in Sister Act. What do you mean is that it?

Terrible 80s films are the new black. Watching Beyonce break out into a cold sweat when she realises that she has to hold an audience’s attention without the use of her arse cheeks is going to be worth the inflated price of admission.

What do you mean you won’t go and see a film with Beyonce fully-clothed and not engaging in sequences that ooze her thinly veiled sexuality?

Sigh. I’ll have you know that queen jiggles is a mighty fine actress… assuming that she can find a role that does not require her to play for laughs, sing, or just suck on camera.

She managed to only suck like Paris Hilton on a first date in Obsessed. She was not as gawd awful as the scathing reviews of the movie would have you believe. If she puts her mind and her bottom to it, there is nothing this little lady cannot do.

Actually, that’s not true. She cannot stifle her inner drag queen. Nor can she avoid the fact that if she keeps yelling like that instead of singing she’s going to get a terrible sore throat that not even a packet of Strepsils will be able to fix.

Back to the movie. Beyonce was inspired to ruin the very definition of chewing gum for the eyes Sister Act after seeing its musical performance onstage. She reportedly asked her people whether a remake would be possible and set about trying to make it happen. Every time a bad 80s movie is remade a kitten is moidered. But don’t worry your pretty little head. We can rest safe in the knowledge that the last thing Beyonce tried to make happen was shoulder pads and look how far that got her.

“Beyonce has asked her representatives to persuade Disney to develop the show into a film vehicle for her,” a source told Britain’s Daily Mail newspaper.

Does jiggles have that much sway outside of her immediate circle that she can make this movie happen? Only time will tell. Well time and her dungeon master daddy who I have it on good authority moves heaven and earth to keep his daughter at number one.

“If this comes to pass, she would take on, in musical form, the part Whoopi Goldberg created in the 1992 Sister Act film.”

Here’s hoping jiggles has every success with getting this off the ground. One tour and one album are not nearly enough fodder to keep her multiple personalities amused… and we all know the hell that breaks loose when they get bored…

You know who wrote this? Amy Grindhouse did. Now visit her site.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Headline Name: Email: subscribed: 0 We respect your privacy Email Marketingby GetResponse

Comments

  1. RDR says

    I didn’t find this article even a bit amusing. It’s full of insults hurled at a woman you do not know. Pathetic and Sad.

  2. halo says

    Amy – love it!!! I do…
    men don’t like because tonight when they put on their leotards and dance to single ladies, they will be thinking of your not so nice article.

  3. Bratty says

    RDR the website is called “Hecklerspray”….Heckler…they heckle news and gossip? No, nothing? Must not own a dictionary then.

  4. Carlos says

    Anyone who would lick all over fugly, nasty ass rappers don’t think much of themselves and neither should we.

    She can’t dance or sing for shit.

  5. Jose says

    I pray & hope that she gets to do a sister Act remake because she has the voice,the skills to create a choir, and she’s very familiar with that church sound because I can hear it in her voice!! Hating on Beyonce is wrong and flat out unintelligent!!! This woman is much more then how she entertain on stage!! Judging her based on her dance routines is just redicoulous and very 5th grade so, to this website,cut that jealousy crap out!!

  6. Jenger says

    Dear Carlos… how mistaken you are. She can sing… and she can dance her big booty tail off… What she CAN’t do for crap is ACT. And that is why I wouldn’t set foot in another Beyonce movie until she steps into some acting classes.

  7. e-marie says

    when have you ever seen her “lick” over rappers? …please shut your hatin’ a** up until you have something even remotely accurate to say!

  8. HumorMe says

    I found this article utterly amusing!! Thanks for the laughs. I’m not a Beyonce fan, but i will admit that she has talent. She can sing, perform and has a lot of stage presence.