Beyonce Is Still The HBIC

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beyonce-121313Beyoncé has proven once again that she is the bad ass Queen of Music.  With absolutely no promotion, no hints, no “leaks,” she managed to not only secretly drop a whole new album on iTunes, but outsell every other musician’s first week sales this year.

Damn, that Illuminati backing really does wonders for your career, doesn’t it?  And really, who needs their soul anyway?Beyoncé has pulled off something many record labels deem impossible- she is outselling everybody without whoring herself out to every interviewer, being the musical guest on SNL, or releasing a couple singles to get the hype up.  Instead of doing the typical, late Friday night while most of her fans were either sleeping or getting their booze on, Beyoncé released her 5th solo album, titled Beyoncé.

I don’t know about anyone of you, but my Facebook BLEW UP with statuses about it.  So did Twitter and Instagram.  At first people were confused, then they were in love, going fucking cuckoo bananas over it.  I personally haven’t bought it yet because I am a cheap ass and refuse to pay $15.99 for it on iTunes, but I have heard the previews of each track and I won’t lie- some of them sound amazing.  But there are others that if I didn’t know better, I’d swear it was Rihanna.  Apparently anytime anyone sings about ratchetness and strippers and booty bouncing, I automatically associate that with RiRi.

Within the first night, the album was bought over 450,000 copies.  Which reminds me, did you know Beyoncé fans are called “Bumble Beys” apparently? Why can’t fans just be called fans? Fucking stupid.  Anyway, one sneakily smart thing Queen Bey did was not let you buy any tracks individually.  No tasting the milk without buying the cow.  And with that move, Beyoncé proves she is no fool.

Blah blah blah, she did it for the fans, but she also did it to line her pockets.  And lined they will be, as some are anticipating the sales to hit 600,000 by the end of the week.   And for comparison, the other 3 big pop albums of the year by Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, and Miley Cyrus all sold under 300,000 their first week.  And I think we can all agree the radio had been saturated so much with their music (and Miley’s tongue) that Bey’s sales are just a massive smack down and reminder that she does run this shit.

Beyoncé also made videos to go with every song, because people still give a shit about music videos anymore.  To see them, you’ll have to go to her YouTube page, since MTV stopped playing any of those once they realized they could make more money shoving a bunch of STD ridden whore into a household full of booze and stripper poles.

And from some of the snippets I’ve watched, they seem insanely more interesting than any Jim Henson nightmare shit Gaga could dream up in her acid trip.  There is even an appearance by the HIIC (Head Infant In Charge), Blu Ivy, since she is featured on one of Beyoncé’s songs.  It’ll be like watching Jesus as a baby, just blessing us by being here.  But with way better hair.

To celebrate, Beyoncé and hubby Jay Z will probably go out to some fancy ass restaurant to indulge.  Of course it’ll be a purely Vegan meal, since the two have decided to “cleanse” themselves this month, but no cleanse will stop Beyoncé from strutting in like she owns the joint in her leather skinnies.  Kind of like she did last week.

Whatever whatever, I do what I want.

Whatever whatever, I do what I want.

Hypocrisy be damn, just bow to Queen Bey.


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