As far as celebrity couples who release mediocre retirement-ending albums and albums named after machines that shoot jets of water up your bumhole go, we’d guess that hip-hop mogul Jay-Z and botty-wiggling warbler Beyonce have it sewn up.

But the thing about Jay-Z and Beyonce is that they’re just so flipping secretive. Sure, Jay-Z seems to be contractually obliged to turn up in the middle of every Beyonce song ever and mumble for 30 seconds, but nobody really knows anything about Jay-Z and Beyonce as a couple. For instance, there’s a lot of speculation going around at the moment that Jay-Z and Beyonce will be getting married this weekend in the Caribbean. Or they might not be. But they probably will. Unless they’re not. Clear?