Beyonce Is Sasha Fierce, And Sasha Fierce Seems Quite Stupid
We feel bad for Beyonce – all this time she’s been waggling her bum about in public, we never knew it was all due to schizophrenia.
But apparently it is. You see, the real Beyonce is quiet, timid, dowdy and about as sexy as a damp dishcloth. The girl you see onstage flapping her bumcheeks together and shouting about her jelly like it’s a bomb that’s about to go off is actually Beyonce’s alter-ego, a woman named Sasha Fierce.
And Sasha Fierce is about to make her voice heard even more, because Beyonce has decided to name her new album I Am… Sasha Fierce. What’s even more interesting is that I Am… Sasha Fierce is going to be a double album, proving once and for all that not only is Sasha Fierce Beyonce’s aggressive, outspoken and glamourous side, but also her side that doesn’t seem to have any form of inbuilt quality control whatsoever.
Beyonce wouldn’t be Beyonce if she didn’t give each of her albums a breathtakingly awful title. Her last album, you’ll remember, was released on Beyonce’s birthday. And, since Beyonce’s name and the word ‘birthday’ both begin with the letter B, she used her exceptional logic to name the album after the thing that Frenchmen wash shit out of their arses with. Genius.
But Beyonce isn’t going to make that mistake again – not since that last album caused her to give children seizures and smash her own face into pulp – so she’s thought long and hard about the title of her new album, due out next month. And she’s come up with…
Well she’s come up with I Am… Sasha Fierce, soon to be know among all the hip kids as I Am Dramatic Pause Sasha Fierce. It’s an odd title, until you realise that Sasha Fierce is actually Beyonce’s alter-ego, at which point it becomes a frothingly berserk title. But let’s let Beyonce explain herself instead. BBC News reports:
I Am… Sasha Fierce reveals an alternate persona which the former Destiny’s Child star says allows her to “take more risks”. “Sasha Fierce is the fun, more sensual, aggressive, outspoken and glamorous side that comes out when I’m working and when I’m on the stage,” she said. “I have someone else that takes over when it’s time for me to work,” the star said.
Well thank God that Sasha Fierce exists, because God knows we’ve long though that Beyonce was too woeful, chaste, laid-back, introverted and ugly to be a proper pop star. Unless of course Beyonce meant that Sasha Fierce was even more sensual, aggressive and outspoken than her, in which she sounds like mid-meltdown Britney Spears, and that’s no fun at all.
But whoever Sasha Fierce is, we’re going to know the bleeder inside out by the end of next month, because Beyonce has decided to make I Am… Sasha Fierce a double album. And given that Beyonce’s usual album tactic is to record two decent singles, fill the rest of it up with wishy-washy ballads about nothing, then make everyone buy a deluxe version of the album two months later with another single and 15 more crappy ballads on it, this seems like a mistake.
But there are still a few more weeks until I Am… Sasha Fierce is released, which is why we’re urging Beyonce to give the album a more accurate title before it’s too late. We’ve even drawn up a shortlist for her to choose from:
I Am… Unable To Self-Edit
I Am… Letting My Fame Go To My Head A Little Bit
I Am… Never Going To Be Listened To All The Way Through By Anyone More Than Once
I Am… Probably Going To Be Mostly Ignored On iTunes
I Am… Desperate To Not Let Rihanna Be More Famous Than Me
Pick whichever one you want, Beyonce. They’re all yours.
I am… a wailing wobbley arsed Git!
In fact can you imagine if other artists follow suit?
will youngs next album could be called ..
I am… a twat
Michelle mcmanus: i am… the cloverfield monster
even kerry katona could get back into pop with..
I am… buuuuuuuuur zeeega bloooooooour bolieee
Regardless how stupid people think about Beyonces’ new name she will always be admired through her music.She inspires alot of young women with her music.Her music is about real life and how women have to be a survivor taking on demanding jobs,kids,housework,bills, etc.Women have alot more on their shoulders than most men.So if you read this Beyonce keep your head up; your doing the right thing and if anyone questions you tell them you handle yours.
I think that Beyonce is a great artist who can speak for some women who goes through things. I am a fan of Beyonce ever seen she started. I love her music so much & I think that no tabloids or anybody else should tell her what the title of her album should be. From what I read so far the album title that they gave her were stupid too so I say it like this forget the magazines, newsreporter, parrazzi or whoever but we should let the people decide or see how well she sells her album out!!! Please stop saying she wants to act like Rhianna or Ciara anything that associate with these two artist because she is different & stop comparing Beyonce & Rhianna together ok!!!!
Did you see the Beyonce’s “Crazy In Love” video? They set a car on fire. A CAR! Have you any idea how much toxic smoke is released into our atmosphere by burning a car? Children have to breathe that! Little children! Shame on you, Beyonce!
Well, this morning I actually tried letting another ’side’ come out and control me.
Instead of going to the shops as Julian to buy a pint of milk as usual, I imagined that I was Roger Retail, the Man Who Was Born To Shop! I marched around Tesco with TWO trolleys! I bought FIFTY pints of milk! I jumped the queue at the checkout! I got banned for life!
Now excuse me, I must invent another alter ego called Francis Fridge-Packer.
hahaha
I’ve actually got a Beyonce’ CD, can anyone else beat that?
I can beat that!,i’ve got a grumbleweeds cd
i could beat it with a stick…
i’m way too cool to own some frivolous shit like that.
It´s impossible not comparate Beyonce and Rihanna. Both can be friends or not, but both want the number one in R&B and industrie music and are two beautiful women that dispute attention people with her phisical atributs. And I think that Rihanna have e great advanced.
I’d love to take a massive shit on her face.
I was a HUGE beyonce fan up until now..I mean Beyonce is a great singer and all, but I think I Am Sasha fierce and just Sasha fierce alone is a lame way for Beyonce to slowly and slickly let her coneited side show..and uhm..shes not doing it very well..by the way, i think she needs to put her make-up back on, and stop trying to be like jay-z…she needs to go back and be the beyonce she always was..
Ridiculous JayZ couldn’t talk her out of this one,
dag when an artist who has worked hard to gain a fairly positive image tosses it away, it is a shame she has no one around her who will tell her the truth. Don’t do it!
she didnt just invent this sasha fierce image…she’s also talked about her sexy alter ego..which is reserved 4 the stage!
Not only did Beyonce-Sasha-Sassafrass-Fatass dress and clomp around like a talentless slut on recent SNL appearance, but the noise she tried to sing stunk. If this is her “new” image? I’m thinking either she’s feeling very insecure in her marriage and feels compelled to show JZ how naked she can get in public. OR, she’s just a narcissistic idiot. She was too BIG for her britches BEFORE, now she just looks like another desperate HO on diet pills, doing a pole dance for attention.
Wow, you’ve all said a mouth-full. Lol. Well, I’ve never been a fan of Beyonce, I can admit that she is very talented though. But the way she portrays herself is what makes me dislike her. This Sasha Fierce album is a mess. What in thee hell does she mean a diva is a female version of a hustla? If my memory serves me correct, a hustler is a male prostitute or a male pimp… something to that extent. UGH, somebody please stop this woman. NOW!