Yo women, we’re real happy for you, we’ll let you finish, but Beyonce has some of the most immoral breasts of all time!

OF ALL TIME! How immoral are Beyonce’s breasts? Beyonce’s breasts are so immoral that they’ve just made her postpone a concert in Malaysia. Apparently the Pan-Malaysian Islamic Party is so outraged at the prospect of watching a pretty young woman wiggle her scantily-clad body about that she’s decided to pull out.

Of course, Beyonce could have just worn a few more clothes, but then people would have had to concentrate on her songs. Talk about a disaster.

When, many years ago, Beyonce said “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly” you may have thought that either a) she was informing you that she’s clearly out of your league and that you should probably stick with your fat girlfriend, or b) she was taunting you with a delicious trifle. But now it turns out that the real answer was c) Beyonce was actually testing the sociocultural acceptance of her unbridled femininity in the face of the world’s major religions.

And the results of that test are finally in – Islamic Malaysians are most certainly not ready for Beyonce’s jelly. Or her turkey drumsticks, for that matter. Or her wobbly blancmanges. Or her hairy kebab. Because – for the second time in three years – pressure from the Pan-Malaysian Islamic Party has caused Beyonce to postpone a concert in Kuala Lumpur. E! Online reports:

According to a statement released by Malaysia-based promoter Marctensia, the performance “has been postponed”… While Marctensia denied the delay is a response to the uproar sparked by the Pan-Malaysian Islamic Party, which has labeled Beyoncé’s bootylicious stage show a Western attack upon the country’s traditional values, it’s likely the move will succeed in dampening the threat of protests.

Now, it’s important that we shouldn’t single out the entire Islamic faith as the bad guy here. All religions have a tendency to get a little nervy when it comes to live pop performances. For instance, while Malaysian Islamics might find fault with Beyonce’s skimpy stagewear, Catholics will be up in arms whenever a singer, say, dons an age-inappropriate leotard and crucifies herself on a giant cross made out of mirrorballs. And Confucianists don’t like it when you sing a song about a happy goose in a hat shop. They’re just the rules.

But if anyone can change these outmoded and foolish religious viewpoints, it’s Beyonce. Beyonce knows that, with some sustained pressure and a few pure words spoken directly from her heart, she can help Malaysia break free from the constricting shackles of its conservative patriarchal society and provide the young people with the very thing that they’ve been so desperately craving – two hours of a woman dressed like a massive-arsed prostitute shouting generic pop songs and occasionally falling down the stairs.

You can do it Beyonce! We believe in you!

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