Beowulf Gor Blimeys Weekend Box Office
Then buzz it up
November 19th, 2007 at 13:30 by Stuart Heritage
As far as ancient English epic poems go, Beowulf is probably the cockniest - and that's based on Ray Winstone screaming the word "MONSTAH" in the Beowulf trailer we saw.
But, hey, it seems like Americans like nothing more than computer-generated movies based on ancient English epic poems starring markedly skinnier versions of tubby cockney actors who, admittedly, could still shatter our skulls with one blow of their tiny cockney fists if they wanted to. That's because the Ray Winstone-starring Beowulf is number one at the US weekend box office - a remarkable achievement for a film that's basically one long PlayStation 2 videogame cut-scene that was written almost 1,500 years ago. Still, Beowulf's weekend box office success goes to show that all it takes to bridge the chasm between ancient literature buffs and the young post-MTV generation is Angelina Jolie's tits and some blood.
Nobody could have really anticipated Beowulf becoming the weekend box office number one movie, but that's only because previous Robert Zemeckis-affiliated motion capture efforts like The Polar Express and Monster House have basically spooked the balls off anyone who saw them. But the technology behind the movies is developing rapidly - so much so that where once Beowulf would have been a ghostly, vaguely nightmarish display of ambition over hardware, the process can now produce weekend box office-topping movies that can accurately portray what Angelina Jolie would look like if she was still sexy instead of being the skinny woman who adopts everyone that everyone knows her as now. Here's the US weekend box office top five…
1 - Beowulf (Now that Beowulf is a weekend box office success, we can look forward to seeing other ancient English epic poems being adapted into movies, like Waldere or That Time Old Mrs Higgins From Number 23 Tried To Go The The Post Office But Didn't Have The Right Change On Her, The Silly Moo) $28,100,000
2 - Bee Movie (If only Bee Movie had taken Beowulf's lead, maybe it would have stayed at the weekend box office number one for longer. And by that we mean replacing Jerry Seinfeld's voice with that of a football hooligan screaming "I! AM! A! FACKIN'! BEEEE!") $14,300,000
3 - American Gangster (Quickly falling down the weekend box office top five, although maybe that's a good thing. After all, a comparative box office failure could be just what Denzel Washington needs if it's to stop Ridley Scott from coercing him into making the black A Good Year) $13,218,000
4 - Fred Claus (Between this, Shoot 'Em Up, The Lady In The Water and The Illusionist, we're starting to think that Paul Giamatti isn't quite the genius we thought he was. No pithy jokes here, just a kind of ambient wish that Paul Giamatti would start making better films) $12,000,000
5 - Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium (We're guessing this Dustin Hoffman and Natalie Portman-starring movie only had a weekend box office debut of number five because people would rather smash their head in with a rock than say "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, please" to another living human being) $10,025,000
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November 19th, 2007 at 1:50 pm
Without going too much into the whys and why-nots of Hollywood, it can still be mentioned that there is a distinct cockney undertone lurking in the American psyche. It pops out at unexpected times, and one often hears it when an American actor tries to do a British accent. Strangely, what many times comes out are the “Downstairs” tones of the kitchen maids and stable boys who came here long ago and left their accents to be buried under the detritus of centuries — yet that deathless cockney cockiness is only sleeping there and has not actually died. Although the standard American dialect, the one that television anouncers use, is based squarely on the Irish and Scots-Irish dialects that found their way here from the British Isles, still this cockney underbelly remains, seemingly to support all. No one here ever uses it, no one would know how, and yet it sometimes appears of itself and walks for a time, like the ghost in Hamlet.
November 19th, 2007 at 1:55 pm
I saw it. Their eyes looked weird. And I laughed when I realized Beowulf looks nothing like Winstone.