Hipstamatic crumpet Benedict Cumberbatch, who is beloved by all because he plays Sherlock like he has Aspergers, and sort of looks a bit like a dragon, has apparently been getting all horizontal and sweaty with model Lydia Hearst, whose mum robbed a bank in the ‘70s.
Lydia is one of those people with an infinitely exciting family history: her mum did the aforementioned bank robbery following her kidnapping and indoctrination at the hands of the Symbionese Liberation Army, and her great great granddad was basically the inspiration for Citizen Kane.
Having not actually seen Citizen Kane, we can only go off hearsay and assume that this means Lydia’s gramps really liked his sleigh, or something.
Anyway, the fact that Cumberbatch has hooked up with such interesting totty has made hipster girls and hopeful hipster gays the country over reconsider their quirkiness.
What use, they wonder, are these ironic Dame Edna spectacles, if I have no felons in my bloodline?! How, they moan, will I ever hook Benedict Cumberbatch without a single member of my family having influenced the entire history of cinema?
And well they might whine and wail, as sources who have nothing better to do than observe courting couples at public events confirm that they have indeed, been seen in the same room together on several occasions, which basically means they’re definitely jamming bits of each other into each other on a thrice daily basis.
Cumberbatch’s spokesman, who we like to imagine dressed as a town crier, has made the following mouth sounds about the topic:
“They have been friends a while now, but to say they are dating is probably too strong.”
So, they’re just shagging, then? Perhaps there’s hope yet for the Cumberfanciers of Britain.