Benedict Cumberbatch Has New Girlfriend Whose Mum Once Robbed A Bank, Hipsters Explode With Excitement

Hipstamatic crumpet Benedict Cumberbatch, who is beloved by all because he plays Sherlock like he has Aspergers, and sort of looks a bit like a dragon, has apparently been getting all horizontal and sweaty with model Lydia Hearst, whose mum robbed a bank in the ‘70s.

Lydia is one of those people with an infinitely exciting family history: her mum did the aforementioned bank robbery following her kidnapping and indoctrination at the hands of the Symbionese Liberation Army, and her great great granddad was basically the inspiration for Citizen Kane.

Having not actually seen Citizen Kane, we can only go off hearsay and assume that this means Lydia’s gramps really liked his sleigh, or something.

Anyway, the fact that Cumberbatch has hooked up with such interesting totty has made hipster girls and hopeful hipster gays the country over reconsider their quirkiness.

What use, they wonder, are these ironic Dame Edna spectacles, if I have no felons in my bloodline?! How, they moan, will I ever hook Benedict Cumberbatch without a single member of my family having influenced the entire history of cinema?

And well they might whine and wail, as sources who have nothing better to do than observe courting couples at public events confirm that they have indeed, been seen in the same room together on several occasions, which basically means they’re definitely jamming bits of each other into each other on a thrice daily basis.

Cumberbatch’s spokesman, who we like to imagine dressed as a town crier, has made the following mouth sounds about the topic:

“They have been friends a while now, but to say they are dating is probably too strong.”

So, they’re just shagging, then? Perhaps there’s hope yet for the Cumberfanciers of Britain.

Just perhaps.

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Comments

  1. aurens says

    Actually, it wasn’t ‘Cumberbatch’s spokesman who said they were not dating, it was the man himself, but why should we take his word for it?

  2. Marisol says

    Funny how all the reposts of the original, save this one and one or two others, leave out the “just friends” bit. God forbid a man and woman be just friends and hang out together.

  3. G. specking says

    Claiming to b just friends is an old joke. Don’t buy it. I thought he had better taste than Patty Hearst’s rich, spoiled, anorexic, underwear modling daughter. Hollywood ruins a lot of people, I hope it doesn’t ruin him.

  4. @ G. Specking says

    I agree. Since “being friends” can easily have a hidden “with benefits.” There is a world of difference between a girlfriend and a friend with benefits. I hate being judgmental to be honest but I also have to agree on assuming he had better taste, or judgment. However given that really he went from the scholarly nerd to “the hot guy who plays Sherlock” I wonder how much will change or will his friends and family keep in grounded? It happens to a lot of celebrities. When they are more grounded (due to roles, less fame etc) they seem to have a candor about their ambitions which can sometimes include family. Benedict has made comments about the greatest shame was not being a dad by age 32. Now with him getting the taste of Hollywood I only hope he doesn’t change and still remains true to himself. Though “hooking up” with the type of girl and the crowd she belongs to makes me hope it is only for a means of temporary amusement and not to become of the crowd. He really is much too handsome, intelligent and well spoken for any woman and I certainly hopes he settles with a woman who is as intelligent, well spoken and attractive as he is.