Ben Affleck seems to sense that most people think he's a giant cereal box-headed nitwit of the highest order, because his relentless scorched earth policy of destroying everything he's ever done shows no sign of letting up.
You see, the only way for Ben Affleck to convince the public that Ben Affleck 2.0 is a serious actor and sometime director is to renounce everything that Ben Affleck 1.0 stood for, which mainly involves stumbling around drunk all the time, whoring himself out to schoolboy deodorant adverts, acting like the world's biggest nobsack at the slightest opportunity and getting to have sex with Jennifer Lopez a lot. Weirdly, the thing that Ben Affleck seems to regret the most is the whole 'having sex with Jennifer Lopez' thing. We've seen his godawful Lynx advert, so we'd politely ask Ben Affleck to reconsider.
It's rare for the entire population of the planet to turn on someone quite as viciously as it turned on Ben Affleck, although its not really hard to see why. Professionally Ben Affleck couldn't make a decent film to save his life, as his incredible unbroken run of 14 stinking abortoflicks between 2000 and 2004 proves. And Ben Affleck's personal life took a hit, too, when people actually willed his ridiculously overexposed relationship with Jennifer Lopez to fail. And then there's that Lynx clicker advert, which we're not even going to mention.
But now Ben Affleck is eager to show off his serious new persona. It's already off to a good start; Ben Affleck won best Actor in Venice for his – hardly stretching – role of an actor most people thought was a twat in Hollywoodland, and he's such a creative film director that all that creativity and stuff sometimes lands him in hospital with a headache. And now Ben Affleck's private life is back in order too – he's got married to fearsomely dull Jennifer Garner and somehow coerced her into having a baby with him. That's Ben Affleck now, and he's happy enough to admit that everything he did before that was bunch of toss.
Well maybe not everything, but certainly Ben Affleck regrets ever having husband-suing, animal-wearing Jennifer Lopez as a girlfriend, as he told Now magazine:
“I should never have got engaged and never gone down that route. I thought I wanted certain things, but I didn’t. I got lost and felt suffocated, miserable and gross. Being in the middle of a tabloid frenzy, it became so intense I had to stop and think, ‘What am I doing with my life?’ I had to smile for the cameras, but I was really in turmoil. I was no longer in control of my life and I didn’t know which way to turn. I felt like a hamster in a cage. The faster my legs went, the less distance I seemed to travel.”
Wait a minute, this isn't about Jennifer Lopez at all! This is either about Ben Affleck literally being trapped in a giant hamster cage – which is too mental for us to contemplate at this time of the morning – or it's another one of Ben Affleck's "I hate the tabloid media" diatribes. Perhaps you, like Ben Affleck, are an out-of-favour actor desperately blaming everything but your innate douchebaggery for your massive lack of popularity. If that's the case, here are hecklerspray's handy hints for how to avoid the wily claws of the tabloid media:
1 – If your girlfriend is a pop star, don't spaz about like a bibble on a yacht in one of her music videos like Ben Affleck did.
2 – If your girlfriend is an actress, don't try to star in legendarily dreadful films with her like Ben Affleck did.
3 – If you deliberately defy rule number two, don't follow up one bad film that stars you and your girlfriend with an even worse film that also stars you and your girlfriend like Ben Affleck did.
4 – If you really hate having your picture taken so much, why not go and get a proper fucking job in an office or something, you box-headed git.
Read more:
Ben Affleck: I Should Never Have Got Engaged To Jennifer Lopez – Fametastic