Barron Hilton Admits Being Totally Hammered That One Time
Barron Hilton, let’s be clear, is a man. A man with a stupid haircut and the obnoxious sneer of the overprivileged, but a man nonetheless.
And part of being a man involves admitting when you do wrong. Which is handy, because another part of being a man involves getting shitfaced on booze and driving around until the police arrest you, which counts as doing wrong.
And Barron Hilton has now done both of these things – he may have been arrested for DUI, but he’s also big enough to plead guilty to it. And now that Barron Hilton has joined the man club, he’s allowed to do all kinds of other man things, like grow a moustache and beat up women. Yay!
Barron Hilton has forever been in his sister Paris Hilton’s shadow. He hasn’t been in as many movies as she has, hasn’t released as many albums as she has and, to our knowledge, hasn’t sucked off a bloke on the internet nearly as much as she has.
But, hey, when it comes to massively irresponsibly drunk driving arrests, Barron Hilton and Paris Hilton and neck and freaking neck. But while Paris Hilton’s DUI arrest ended up with the most hopelessly mismanaged jail sentence in living memory, Barron’s has ended up much more happily. So long as you define staring at the dead as happy, that is.
You see, after Barron Hilton was arrested for DUI and subsequently charged with DUI and possession of a fake license, he decided that he’d take the moral high ground and plead no contest to what breath and blood tests would have conclusively proved anyway. And therefore, as E! Online reports, he pleaded guilty and got off easy:
Hilton was not in court, leaving his attorney, Richard Hutton, to enter the plea to driving under the influence with a blood-alcohol level above the 0.08 percent legal limit and unlawful possession of a false license. To atone for the driving sins, Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner H. Jay Ford sentenced Hilton to three years’ probation, fined him $2,000, suspended his license for one year and ordered him to log time at the L.A. County morgue.
Ah, the old trip to the morgue trick. It’s a classy move by the judge, because only the morgue will teach Barron Hilton that drink driving accidents don’t kill nearly as many people as heart disease or cancer or strokes. But, despite this, the visits should still have the desired effect on Barron Hilton – the inability to sleep due to fear that dead people will start clawing at his feet in bed the second he closes his eyes.
Or maybe it won’t – after all, the sight of withered, lifeless, foul-smelling bodies isn’t anything Barron Hilton hasn’t experienced before. His sister did used to hang out with Nicole Richie a lot, remember.
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You forgot #1!
The leading cause of death is actually people falling down.
Old people. Cracking their heads open like over-ripe coconuts.
But you don’t hear about it much because there;s no bank in it.
So, lucky Morron will get to spend some quality time with Gramps,
learning the invaluable lesson that aging, in general, sucks.