There’s a Barenaked Ladies song that goes “If I had $1,000,000/ I’d blow it all on coke/ and maybe a couple of hookers.”

Actually that might not be true – we don’t like Barenaked Ladies nearly enough to listen to one of their terrible songs – but they do have a song called If I Had $1,000,000 and, since the band’s singer Steven Page was arrested for cocaine possession this week, that scenario would probably make the most sense.

Or maybe it wouldn’t, because Barenaked Ladies have posted a message on their website saying that Steven Page will fight his charges to the ends of the Earth. Or until he’s convicted, sent to jail and used as a violent masturbatory tool by the entire prison population as a twisted revenge for his song about Chickedy China The Chinese Chicken. Whichever one happens first, basically.

When it was first announced that Steven Page from Barenaked Ladies had been arrested for cocaine possession, we were a little perplexed. Usually drug-taking in the world of music is synonymous with acid-fried 20-minute psyche-rock freak-jams, not twee little acoustic ditties about relationships that only girls and weirdos like.

But then it all started to become clearer. If you were in Barenaked Ladies, you’d want to be wrecked off your shit on drugs all the time just to numb the pain of your day job, wouldn’t you?

In this respect, Steven Page is lucky that he was only arrested for cocaine possession – most men in his position would be ramming industrial quantities of rhino tranquiliser up their arses 24/7 just to forget that they were responsible for that dreadful One Week song.

But that’s assuming that Steven Page is guilty of cocaine possession, which we shouldn’t do because Steven Page says he is absolutely innocent of everything. According to a statement left on the Barenaked Ladies website:

“Many of you have probably read or heard press accounts about Steven Page’s recent arrest in New York state. Steven has pleaded not guilty to the charges against him and the validity of the charges against Steven will be strongly contested. While this is happening, it’s business as usual for Barenaked Ladies. We will continue to perform and look forward to heading into the studio later this year to record a new album.”

What? Business as usual? Jesus Christ – what needs to happen to get Barenaked Ladies to split up? Alcoholism? Bestiality? Dead prostitutes turning up in their sheds? Just tell us, for the love of god, and we’ll try our hardest to make it happen.

Anyway, at least now that Steven Page has declared his innocence over his arrest, Barenaked Ladies won’t have to worry about people not buying their new kid’s album Snack Time because they’re morally outraged. If they don’t buy it, it’s because it’s really quite rubbish and a waste of their precious wages. Business as usual, then.