Marc Bannerman’s Ex Wants An HIV Test

If you thought the fuss over the I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here relationship between Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews was as tawdry as it could get, then we can only pity your poor naive souls.

That's because Marc Bannerman's ex-girlfriend is on the scene, and she's shrieking about HIV. Sarah Matravers - the girl who Marc Bannerman effectively cheated on by trying to cop off with Cerys Matthews after looking at her arse for a millisecond in the jungle in I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, has decided to get herself checked out down the STD clinic after hearing claims that Marc Bannerman had already been unfaithful to her. Quite why Sarah Matravers has decided to tell the whole world this is beyond us, but at least we're learning that bellowing "SHUT UP!" at the TV until we're blue in the face doesn't actually make people on TV shut up. So that's something.

Remember the days when all contestants on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here would get was a semi-regular guest spot talking about unusually large babies on The One Show? Jordan and Peter Andre buggered that right up for everyone, didn't they? Now everyone who ever goes on the show wants a charity single to release and a bloody ITV2 chatshow, or at least wall-to-wall media coverage about something that everyone stopped caring about a second after I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here finished on Friday.

And that's certainly been the case with Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews. You see, even though they spent 15 minutes together eating various pieces of animal genitalia on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews are in love, even though he had a girlfriend at the time and is accused of getting a bit punchy with women and she's a single mother or two with hands that look like eagle claws made out of smashed-up cornflakes.

We know that Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews are in love because Cerys Matthews spoke about their love in a Sunday newspaper while sitting naked in a bubbling jacuzzi sipping champagne in a Crocodile Dundee hat, which means it must be true.

But what about Marc Bannerman's jilted girlfriend Sarah Matravers? It must be dreadful to watch helplessly as your boyfriend tries to cop off with other women on live TV - and then learn that he may have already been unfaithful with a barmaid - so surely Sarah Matravers deserves our pity, right?

Well, no, because by all accounts she's an idiot too. In an attempt to convince the entire male population of the universe that she's an ultra-hysterical nutter who can flick between coy baby-talk and murderous red-eyed screaming at the drop of a hat, Sarah Matravers has decided to tell the whole wide world that she's getting checked out for diseases because Marc Bannerman looks like he might have AIDS. Or something:

"I worry that, if everything is true, he may have had unprotected sex with other women. I'm going to have some tests in case I've caught anything … yes, I'm going to have the full tests - for everything, including HIV… Cerys only got divorced last month. The most bizarre thing is that she's been so caught up with Marc, she's barely mentioned her children. This is a man she's only known for a week, a man who she knew had a girlfriend. It's either incredibly cold-hearted or incredibly screwed up. They deserve each other. I hope they rot in hell."

Personally we think rotting in hell is a little harsh - we'd be happy if Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews just went somewhere out of bloody earshot for once, and took Sarah Matravers with her. Yap yap yap, all the sodding time. It's like living with a bunch of especially self-absorbed terrier puppies, only they're slightly harder to drown in brick-filled binbags.

Of course, only a cynic would suggest that Sarah Matravers is making such a public fuss about Marc Bannerman so that she'll be allowed to go on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here next year and cop off with another D-list celebrity so she can babble on about how happy she is and sell pictures of them both feeding ducks in the park to OK! magazine, but that is transparently what she does want, so we'll suggest it anyway.

Read more:

Jungle 'love rat' Marc's distraught girlfriend: I'm getting tested for HIV - Daily Mail