The highlight of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here this year was the blossoming romance between Mark Bannerman and Cerys Matthews, possibly the two people in the whole world you've thought about least over the last five years.
You see, even though Mark Bannerman had a girlfriend and Cerys Matthews had hands that looked like geriatric scrotum-skin stretched across several wire coathangers, the pair of them fell in love during their time on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. And not just any kind of love, either – Mark Bannerman and Cerys Matthews found the kind of deep everlasting love that only washed-up popstars and people from failed wrestling-based reality TV shows can encounter after spending 15 minutes in a cleared-out piece of forest together. And, by christ, we wish they'd both shut up about it.
So Christopher Biggins is the winner of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, but any idiot could have predicted that. But while Christopher Biggins uses his victory to go through the traditional pikey supermarket advert-based career rebirth, the rest of the world can go back to discussing the real big story from I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here – the burgeoning love between Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews.
Those of you who watched I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here – or read any newspapers, listened to any local radio or overheard any conversation between a couple of dumpy housewives on the bus for that matter – will be aware of the story of Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews. Although Marc had a long-term girlfriend, the thought of spending a few days in a jungle with the Road Rage woman and not trying to touch her boob was enough to make him be a bit unfaithful. Knowing that his feelings for Cerys Matthews were stronger for his his girlfriend because Cerys was closer at the time and it was all on the telly, Marc and Cerys kissed and instantly fell in love.
It's love in the truest sense of the word, too – where two people who haven't been even vaguely famous for a decade decide they want to spend the rest of their lives together even though the sum total of their shared experience adds up to one awkward kiss and occasional glances of each other washing their arses in a river. And now Cerys Matthews is ready to talk about her feelings for Marc Bannerman, in the form of a newspaper interview that she got paid loads of money to do. Cerys told the News of The World:
"Neither of us intended to hurt anybody. It literally came out of the blue—and it was something that we couldn't really stop once we'd spent so much time together. We wouldn't have done any more, though. That's why Marc and I get on. We've got similar old-fashioned morals. We didn't do anything physically wrong, but there WAS a mental connection… But yes, I'm in love with Marc and I think he feels the same. I'd like us to spend the rest of our lives together—I've found a soulmate and because I'm a hopeless romantic I want to be with him for ever."
We have to admit that Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews do make a lovely, morally old-fashioned couple, in that she's already got a couple of kids from a failed marriage and he's been accused of domestic abuse.
And maybe this relationship between Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews will survive in a post-I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here environment. Fingers crossed that it does, because by our calculations the thing that the world currently needs most of all is a rival I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here couple to act as competition to Jordan and Peter Andre. Because, you know, they might eventually kill themselves fighting each other over an OK! photo shoot or an offer of a low-rent Five Life reality TV show. And then we'd just have Janice Dickinson left to worry about.
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Nat says
OMG, I found this piece so funny! I had to stifle my hysterics in the office so no one around me would realise I was reading celeb goss.
Hilarious!