Bai Ling Pleads Guilty To That Thing She Did
It takes a big man to admit they're wrong. Well, a big man or a tiny Chinese lady with a bewildering haircut.
Bai Ling has pleaded guilty to disturbing the peace following her arrest at LAX last month. You'll remember that Bai Ling was arrested for shoplifting two copies of Star magazine and a packet of batteries from an airport shop in a state of high emotional trauma.
And that amounts to disturbing the peace? No, of course it isn't. What happened was that Bai Ling worked out a deal with prosecutors allowing her to plead guilty to disturbing the peace to keep the other, more shameful, crime from her records. That crime is obviously being a reader of Star magazine.
If ever anyone decides to make an Ocean's 14 – and God help us all if they do – then they'd be wise to sign up Bai Ling to star as the strategic mastermind behind Clooney and the gang's elaborate crime. However, for the sake of accuracy, the plot would have to forgo the complex machinations of top-secret casino heists and just focus on dressing Matt Damon up in a lovely frock and making him nick a couple of celebrity magazines from a newsagents while looking all sad.
Because that's what Bai Ling excels at. No, actually that's a lie. Bai Ling excels at having rubbish haircuts and being quite quick to show off her boobs. She's rubbish at shoplifting.
So rubbish, in fact, that she got arrested for it. Although there are no excuses for trying to steal two copies of a magazine and some batteries from an airport store, Bai Ling did her best to find one and said that she only stole because her boyfriend dumped her right before Valentine's Day. And, just days after she was charged with the crime, Bai Ling has pleaded guilty. People reports:
Bai Ling pleaded guilty Wednesday to disturbing the peace in a case stemming from her arrest at LAX for stealing two Star magazines and a package of batteries, totaling $16.22. Although she was formally charged with petty theft Monday, prosecutors agreed to let Bai plead to the alternative charge, said L.A. City Attorney rep Frank Mateljan. The actress was ordered to pay a fine and penalties totaling $700.
Now before you start making little straw effigies of Bai Ling and run out into the streets waving them around in flames as a sort of confusing protest, let's not forget that Bai Ling is the innocent party here. Not only was she upset because her boyfriend dumped her, but who hasn't entertained the thought of stealing two copies of Star magazine and some batteries from an airport shop at some point? We know we have.
Face it, Bai Ling just succumbed to something we've all felt – at one point or another, everyone has seen the cover of a celebrity magazine and felt the internal tug between being intrigued by the promise of seeing the 86 best celebrity beach bodies and the burning sense of crushing shame that would come from actually paying for it.
But why did Bai Ling steal two copies of Star magazine and not just one? Simple – she needed one copy for each eye. After all, what's better than reading about Angelina Jolie's pregnancy? Getting two copies of Star magazine, holding them next to each other, going cross-eyed and reading about Angelina Jolie's pregnancy in 3D, magic eye-style.
And what about the batteries? What did Bai Ling steal those for? We don't know. Probably a dildo.
Read more:
Idea for epic movie short:
‘Bailing Bai Ling’
Snoop Dogg the Bounty Hunter takes to the road
in search of meating [!] out justice to to the aspiring harlot fugitive.
She is on the lam from the law after trying to satisfy the
insatiable appetite of her robot orphan charge whose thirst for
batteries knows no limit. Meanwhile, her ailing Grandmother
Ai Ling, battling incipient Alzheimer’s, has taken to constructing
elaborate stereoscopic dioramas of the stars, for which
she requires identical copies of Star magazine, or her brain
will surely fail. This boisterous trio, all the while narrowly
escaping the savage clutches and wily traps of the intrepid Dogg,
take us on a fun-filled romp through the airport waiting lounges,
bowling alleys, and road-side filling stations of the Great American
Southwest. An endless stream of witty repartee, elaborate hi-jinx
and CG martial arts interludes guaranty a fine time for all.
Sadly, as the credits roll, a background montage shows us that
that grandma Ai Ling has died of a cerebral hemorrhage
brought about by one of her own stereo-optical creations,
the robot orphan has been snagged in an automated car-wash and
dies screaming amid a shower of sparks, while Dogg and BL make
fabulous love in the back seat of a red 1993 Ford Bronco with
torn upholstery, in a sea of empty fast-food containers that symbolize
a little too obviously, the unrequited hunger for love and acceptance that we all
at times must surely feel. Then we are treated to the comic out-takes and
hilarious flubs that we all so enjoy and that make the stars seem so
lovable and real. Laughter, sighs, and applause abound. In Dolby Surround of course.
EUCLID: TERRIFIC!!!