Badvertising: For When You’re Really, Really Desperate

Let’s just face facts right here and now. We’re pathetic. All of us. You reading this, us writing it and especially those that have to edit it. We all feel lonely sometimes and where some of us can just walk into a public house, identify someone they would like to engage in coitus with and then leave with them, many of us lack that ‘cutting edge’ or, as it is sometimes ominously known, killer instinct.

While we’re all sitting in the corner of those pubs looking at those people and wishing that we were them. Those people with the confidence and the sheer bravado to just  say what they want, maintain eye contact and end up getting what they want.

We sit in the corner looking at the other sad, sunken faces around us, unable to even make eye contact with them. Everything has gone wrong with your life and seeing these people, able to show confidence in their lives seems to exacerbate the lack of companionship in yours.

You have options though. You go home and you switch on the computer. You have two options.

Option number one is the traditional response to loneliness. Remove your undergarments and reach climax while crying. It’s commonly known as crymaxing. You’ve probably already done it once today. The other option is to get yourself on a dating website. There are hundreds of sites all claiming to match you in different ways and with different people from match.com to the worryingly baseless UniformDating.com.

Sure, eHarmony looks lovely, doesn’t it? They give you a partner based on deep compatibility and we’re sure that they’re very, very ethical about it. However, what if there was a dating website for people with no ethics, no morals and no grasp of common decency?

What if hecklerspray did dating? What would that look like?

Oh… that.

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Comments

  1. Joanna says

    Hurrah! I heard that Mof keeps all the ‘good prospects’ in a lock up near Hull. However, fuck eHarmony- I think you may be on to something. I’ll upload my video forthwith.