As rare as a full moon, hecklerspray’s badvertising feature returns to try and work out who is being paid stupid amounts of money to try and brainwash you in to buying their product or service.

This advert in particular doesn’t even belong in the category of badvertising. Instead it should be lumped in its own unique one of “Absolute dire trash that was commissioned after the person responsible realised he forgot to do it and needed to present the first terrible idea he had to the bored committee before he got sacked. Vertising”  We could only be talking about one advert, Sheila’s Wheels.  Sheila’s Wheels may seem like an odd choice for an advert to hack to pieces, but we do have our reasons. On the surface, the advert is basically telling you that if you don’t insure your car, you’ll be fucked if someone hits you. And the person to hit you will probably be a man as this company have got the silly idea that men are worse drivers then women! We beg to differ – for a start we don’t take five minutes to park in a gap the size of an airport runway. 

Sheila's Wheels is a female-only car insurance firm, which is quite odd in itself as today’s culture is all about being politically correct and keeping everyone equal. So how come women get their own insurance and blokes don’t? After endless sleepless nights pondering this question, we can only assume it’s because female crashes aren’t as spectacular as male crashes. The average women may accidentally dent her passenger door or mark the paint work, but a man will go the whole hog and rip off an entire door.

Everyone has seen the advert for Shelia’s Wheels; it’s always bloody on daytime TV. And no, we aren’t going to complain about the annoying theme tune. Yes, it does drive us up the wall every time we hear it, but that’s the whole point. It’ll stick in your head and you’ll remember the advert. The problem we have is that the advert defies the entire point of road safety. After the drink driving barman told us not to neck five pints of Stella before attempting to drive home, we assume that other safety measures are needed when driving. Ideally, using a seat belt so, if the vehicle does come to any sudden stops, you won’t find yourself kissing the concrete while looking at half of your brain on a wet floor surrounding by shards of glass.

However, Shelia and the other borderline trannies on the advert seem to think it’s totally acceptable not to use a seatbelt, completely defying the point of careful driving. If that wasn’t bad enough, it also seems as if the makers of the advert aren’t too bothered about reinforcing basic driving rules. The ropey-looking brunette driving the car seems to think it’s acceptable to drive without having two hands on the wheel. Imagine if there was a sharp bend in the road – they’d be screwed then and so would their renewal rate.  

Having a four-piece brass band in the back probably won’t help her concentration either, though seeing as she doesn’t even look at the road half the time this makes us wonder how she even passed her driving test in the first place. But that’s not the worst of it! The climax of the advert shows a dog – the animal variety, not the three already in the car – driving the fucking car! The hecklerspray staff might have a few gaps in their general knowledge here and there, but we know that dogs can’t drive and we should get the RSPCA and Simon Cowell involved to stop this cruelty happening to animals. 

There are many other car insurance firms out there, each with their own unique tagline or brand – Elephant has a cuddly elephant, Esure has northern-hater and all-round cunt Michael Winner promoting its service – so we guess that no matter what insurer you pick, they’ll all have their stigmas. But remember this – having some horrible ropey women singing you a song is the worst of them all. Avoid like the plague.