Two of the biggest fictional characters we’re meant to believe in are Santa Claus and Jesus. And it’s coming up to their time of year again.

For 364 days a year, we’re meant to believe that an aging old man is whipping thousands of elves to death in his sweatshop in the North Pole so spoilt children everywhere can get Guitar Hero on December 25th.

As we grow up, we all realise that Santa isn’t real and the man whose lap we sat on in the local shopping centre possibly gets his kicks like Gary Glitter. But how do we all discover Santa isn’t real? Is it because we hear our dads knocking over the Christmas tree at 4am when depositing gifts or because an older child told us?

Neither. It’s because Coca Cola actually own Santa. We’re not sure if he was made in a laboratory deep under the ground, but the jolly fat man we know and love is literally the spokesman of a fizzy drinks company. When he blurts out ho ho ho this is actually a subliminal message that registers in your mind as “DRINK ALL THE SUGAR WATER YOU CAN RIGHT NOW ,YOU LITTLE BASTARD”.