There’s an alarming trend that is sweeping through daytime commercial breaks.

No, not evil food companies trying to sell sugary drinks to our beloved little tykes; it’s more the constant pleas of organisations trying to get us to part ways with our broken tat.

Apparently, gold is hot stuff at the moment and thousands of people want to take it off your hands for less than the price its worth. In the UK, the adverts just want broken pieces and stuff that was popular in the sixties. But in the good old burger-munching US of A, it’s a lot more sinister.

In the first instance, this overweight Mexican-looking man has seemingly died from punching himself in the chest after wolfing down a greasy pancake. Let this be a lesson to you all, chew your food and for God’s sake don’t wear vests. They really don’t flatter anyone at all. Perhaps his wife suffered years of mental abuse and long evenings serving all his food with BBQ sauce. We say that because she doesn’t seem fussed that he’s died.

Instead of calling an ambulance or his plump siblings, she instead gives Cash For Gold USA a call to see how much she can get for his cheap-looking bits of jewellery. Perhaps she just wanted to make sure that all the funeral expenses were covered. Still, most normal people probably wouldn’t be ringing gold companies straight away. That should at least come after cancelling any subscriptions to jazz mags.

You can tell this advert has been on the cheap. And by cheap we mean for literally no budget. The crew probably didn’t get lunch on the shoot. Whoever did the casting must have literally asked for ‘a toothless old hag’ as that’s what we get in the second creative way of finding gold. At least the bloke was dead in the first scene before his stuff was nicked.

In this instance, poor granny has her gold fillings physically ripped out her wrinkly mouth by her daughter, who probably should know better. What never helps is the narrator saying “We’ll buy gold with anything in it”. Does that include the blood and spit of a pensioner?

Even if some of our more intelligent readers let us know this is a joke commercial, this doesn’t particularly matter to us. Pikey families up and down the country would only see this as a source of inspiration to make themselves marginally richer after sending ten pounds of gold in to be valued.

As for us, we’re going to see how much our gold-foiled chocolate coins will get.

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