9 Total Badasses With Totally Bad Hair

A badass by definition doesn’t give a fuck what anybody else thinks. They’re going to do things their own way whether you like it or not, that’s a given. It’s a large part of what draws us to these figures in real life as well as in pop culture. We revere them for being able to do all the things we can’t, or at the very least don’t do for fear of reprisal.

Unfortunately, this also means that many of the most badass also sport the most ridiculous and most non-badass hairstyles ever glimpsed. This is not coincidence, rather, this is merely an extension of the baddassery that each of these characters possess. Their terrible (and trust me terrible is really the appropriate word here) hairstyles are irreverence in the grandest sense.

The following list of characters come from many different backgrounds, some are hitmen, some are vengeful gods, some are single mothers driven insane by the impending robot apocalypse; all share the same haircut despite the fact that all of their haircuts are completely unlike one another: The haircut they share is that of the giant middle finger to current fashion, trend and conventional ascetic. And though they’re all disgustingly bad this also makes them each skull dissolvingly brilliant in their own right.

Brock Samson

Brock Of Ages, Brockness Monster, the blonde haired butter-cream frosted murder cake. One-half Swedish, one-quarter Polish, one-quarter Winnebago. It’s all been said before about the body guard/assassin/nanny. The man pisses on mummies as principle, what else can be said? But what hasn’t been explored properly is the true importance of Brock’s majestic and totally shitbird mullet.

Brock’s surname is indeed telling of the nature of what is truly one of the last great inspirational figures of the 21st century. Like the Biblical hero much of Brock’s power is seemingly derived from his curly, gold spun mane. This mane, which has been repeatedly burned, shaved, and ripped off throughout the four seasons of Venture Bros. nevertheless always manages to resurface even fuller and more glorious than before.

Because Brock’s mullet is the dying god king of all mullets, it hangs down between Brock’s massive shoulder blades like some carefully coiled, gracefully unfurled Jacob’s Ladder. Like Roger Daltrey’s hair if he was an American and grew up in a trailer park.

Yes, Brock’s hair is bad, like all mullets are intrinsically bad, but like the greats it transcended mulletdom and becomes something more. Like Bowie’s fire red Ziggy Stardust Mullet and Jack Burton’s parking lot lothario mullet before him, Brock’s mullet simply proves that he is cool enough to not care what’s considered cool.

 

Wolverine

This is probably most people’s gateway drug when it comes to badasses with bad hair. You may have come across the “Ol’ Canuklehead” Wolverine in comic books, or the animated X-Men cartoon, or the successful film franchise, whatever the incarnation one thing remains consistent: The top of Wolverine’s head looks like two duck’s asses sticking up out of the water. As a young kid, and now a grown man with the intellectual depth and sexual experience of a young kid, I’m totally fine enjoying the exploits of our favorite X-Man.

My disbelief is suspended so greatly that I am okay accepting that not only is Wolvie a mutant with accelerated healing abilities that enable him to be nearly impossible to kill, but he also is endowed with an indestructible adamantium (a completely made up metal) skeleton; and that this metal also covers his super fucking awesome claws which are somehow housed in his forearms and pop out whenever he wants to key an ex-girlfriend’s car. Jean Grey, Lady Deathstrike, Silver Fox, he’s had a few. I accept that his healing factor has enabled him to age slower and live longer.

That he has traveled throughout the world, mastered nearly every type of martial art, that his mind has been altered with implanted memories by a shadow government experiment, that in times of great combative stress he will enter a state known as a “berserker rage” and somehow this will make him even stronger and impervious to telepathic suggestion.

I buy all of this; I cannot accept that anyone can have hair like this without 3 hours of prep time with a team of battle beauticians preparing him for action. I’ve heard Wolverine Hair Apologists try and rationalize and say that since he wears the big V shaped mask it’s only natural that his hair would get coifed into two opposing hair horns.

Wake up kids, his hair looks like that because they thought it looked cool and made him more feral looking. But putting aside the physics of the hair I will say it does paradoxically actually lend a whiff of authenticity to the character.

How can something so unreal make Wolverine seem more so? Because only a cigar chomping, six clawed, mutton chopped accessorized, killing machine could rock that hair and not get his ass handed to him. Wolverine’s hair being as ridiculous as it is proves to me that he really is as hardcore as he’s made out to be. His hair is practically begging for someone to point at it and scoff, which is all he wants. One more excuse to show you why he’s the best there is at what he does and what he does best isn’t very nice.

 

Sarah Connor

Whoa, before we get started here let me make it clear; I have no problem with Sarah Connor the battle hardened, Judgment Day imminent shell-shocked warrior from T2.

I’m talking about Sarah when we first get to know her in the original Terminator.  When she’s first coming into her badass own, “On your feet solider!” and all that. Yes she’s a badass, the mother of the future, the one who says, “You’re terminated fucker.” right before she dispatches the titular villain, but thanks to her 80’s-riffic hairstyle, she also looks like a wet lion with down syndrome.

No wonder Arnie wanted her dead.

But regardless of how much she looks like a passed over Bon Jovi groupie circa ’84 she still comes across as a total cyborg slayer for the ages. Also, I don’t care if her hairstyle was era appropriate, it was worse than when they declared that Pluto wasn’t a planet and that Dinosaurs probably all had feathers.

“Look I’m sorry, this never happens to me but I just can’t…Look, Sarah, it’s your hair.  I know the future of humanity is a stake here. But… You don’t have a hat, do you?”

Maybe she was just getting primped for her next boyfriend.

Jules Winnfield

Oh, I’m sorry did I break your concentration? Yeah, Samuel L. Jackson’s turn as the philosophical hitman Jules Winnfield is his most well known, and maybe most loved role. But, it also has him wearing some serious ghetto spaghetti atop his dome. Most of the time Jheri curl action of this magnitude is met with howls of laughter from all, okay, nervous, hesitant laughter from some white people, but for most it’s a hilarious reminder of Coming To America and Soul Glo.

And if you don’t laugh when you hear the jingle kick in with, “Just let your soul glow!” then you need to get your oil changed because you’re a fucking machine.

Yet we don’t laugh at Jules Winnfield, why? Because he’s so cool his hair becomes cool. And because Samuel L. Jackson is a scary man who yells his dialogue whenever possible and usually with an ample amount of swearing. Now on to the rest of the article, MOTHERFUCKER!

Anton Chigurh

Javier Bardem’s cattle gun wielding, ethnically unidentifiable, merciless killer from No Country For Old Men. It’s been said that the Coen Brothers wanted someone who looked like they could have come from Mars. Well, they got him. Anton Chigurh is death incarnate in the movie; he’s nearly unstoppable and resigned like all true badasses to living life but his own code.

Make no mistake though they differ from most other people’s Chigurh has his own scruples. This is the reason he comes back to kill Josh Brolin’s wife. He has no other reason to except that he and Brolin made a deal.

Javier Bardem said that wearing his hair like he did for the role actually affected him mentally. He said it made him feel like he wouldn’t be able to get laid for three months and that in turn made him too depressed to even leave the house. Well, dude you do look like the result of Count Dracula, Prince Valiant and an Amish guy all having an unholy four way with a magical flying 70’s porn star toupee that inexplicably managed to produce an offspring. So, yeah. Not a lot of takers there.

 

He-Man

Everything I said about Anton Chigurh’s hair only blonde so it’s automatically worse. So that means it’s actually even more amazing that He-Man is still such a badass. Because he’s overcome even more adversity. In addition he rides on a giant green tiger with a facemask. I can’t honestly decide if that’s cool or just sad. Actually, come to think of it most things about He-Man are pretty sad. Espeically the whole title business, He-Man and The Masters Of The Universe . Who has to call themselves He-Man? Might as well call the show Brofessor Penis-Male and The Non-Vaginas Of Infinity. Actually, I’d watch that.

Gozer

The high top was already perfected by Big Daddy Kane.

Malevolent deities with nice legs need to stop biting his style. That being said, this chick is pretty on point. She even lets you choose the form of your destruction. I would have just picked her with maybe a long banged Emma Stone thing. Mmm…long banged Emma Stone. Sorry.

Hulk Hogan

Bald? Didn’t get the memo. As best described by the cast of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. “That’s his signature look. Blonde Chinese hair, skin of a hot dog.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTrTV-e7ZGg

I’m not saying it’s right I’m just saying it’s not wrong. His skullet or mudflap is immortal though.

Bob Ross

No lists of badasses can be complete without this entry. Make no mistake this isn’t a goof, or an ironic aside; I mean this. Bob Ross and his perfect coco puff afro of enlightenment are the epitome of badasses with bad hair. You know why Bob Ross paints nothing but happy little trees? Because the trees know damn well not to be anything but happy when they’re in Bob Ross’ presence. Bob Ross lives life on his own terms, and they are baffling, paralyzing upbeat and sinisterly serene and I for one dare not trifle with them.

Not all who have bad hair are badasses and not all badasses have bad hair. But the badasses who do have bad hair are more badass than those who don’t. What? Yeah.

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Comments

  1. says

    “The most important part of writing is finding the perfect picture.”
    – Tony McMillen This goal was certainly achieved with naked Brock on a dolphin.

    Bravo sir. Your theory has been proven ten fold, er nine fold, and I offer extra points for reminding me of the amazing ‘soul glow’ jingle. I was ashamed of myself for having to look up Gozer. Looking forward to checking out more of your stuff.

  2. Don Rumsfeld says

    “Bob Ross lives life on his own terms….” -you mean “lived on his own terms…”; Bob died in 2005.

  3. Jeff says

    Your characterization of Bob Ross as having bad hair is extremely pretend-offensive. His hair is a puffy, round, piece of 70s fro-goodness and should be lovingly embraced by fans everywhere. R.I.P. Bob

  4. Tony McMillen says

    Harrie, cute. Jeff, I agree. Bob’s hair is the one on this list I would rock if I was worthy. But alas I am not.

  5. Debbie says

    Hi Ruby,

    Fact for thought…Linda Hamilton powered trained for 6 hours a day,6 days a week,for 6 months! For her role in T2. Now that’s commitment!! awesome job she did!!!

  6. Bebebe says

    And that’s the difference between fan and fantard.
    I like Bob Ross, but his hair sucks.
    It didn’t suck in the 70’s, but Sarah Connor’s neither did in the 80’s.
    The main problem? We’re not in the 70’s or the 80’s anymore.
    Disliking his hair doesn’t detract in any way from me recognizing his talent.
    Idolizing artists for other than their actual work (Much as Gaga’s fans are doing today) is more of a cultist attitude, rather than one of admiration.

  7. Cat says

    Also, every boy/man in an anime film. We also seem to have forgotten Steven Seagal – that martial-art-butt kicking actor/cop – with really, really bad hair…a pony tail on a man is just all sorts of wrong

  8. Tony McMillen says

    Cat, couldn’t agree more about ponytails, they have no place on a man’s head. But I just plain don’t like Seagal or his terrible movies. I can’t even enjoy them in a kitsch way as I can some old Van Damme flicks. Seagal is just that bad as a human being and as an action star.