Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.
Besides being one S short of having the funniest monster name ever – some people find the Aswang to be truly intimidating. Rumour has it that in parts of the Philippines the streets are desolate as soon as the sun goes down for fear of being eaten by one of these things.
Don’t worry though – these shape shifters don’t usually go after living adults. They like to spend their time slathering mustard all over corpses of the recently dead. Also they sometimes use a proboscis to suck foetuses out of a woman’s woo-woo.
Other than that we’ve heard they’re probably dedicated vegetarians.
In the Philippines – legend of the Aswang has been around for hundreds of years. It’s been described a lot of different ways, but here’s a typical profile, according to Unknown Creatures.com:
“An Aswang is generally viewed as a shape-shifter that prowls the evening looking for corpses, infants, fetuses and sometimes, people to consume. They will usually appear quiet and shy when in human form but at night, they turn into these monsters. They usually have proboscises, used for sucking out children from their homes or fetuses from their mother’s wombs.”
Well off-hand we’d say that description sounds kind of cartoonish. But we may have a different opinion should we ever find a weird super long and hairy tongue probing around our bed sheets looking for us – kind of like this first hand account of an Aswang encounter as found on Djhal107’s Weblog:
“I had a real experienced of seeing this monster, I was a young boy at that time and our house was in a small barrio (small town) with only few neighbors and surrounded with trees. The wife of our neighbor was pregnant at that time and their house was a small hut with windows that cant be closed, which simply means you can see the stars in their house during night time. It was a very noisy mid-night that i could not sleep, our neighbor dogs keeps howling in our backyards. So, I tried to check it, I slightly-opened our window good enough for my eyes to see everything outside, I am fascinated because the moon was so bright and there was no dogs in our backyard so i look at our neighbor?s house and there i saw the [howling] dogs, BUT WHEN I LOOKED AT THE WINDOW, I SAW SOMETHING DARK FLOATING ? ITS LIKE A PERSON FLOATING HORIZONTALLY FACING OUR NEIGHBOR?S OPENED WINDOW. I was very scared because its hard to describe that dark floating thing, even the surrounding was clear. I closed the window and went straight to my bed covering myself with my pillow and sleep again.
“On the next day I talked to my friend about what happened last night, and i asked him if there was something unusual that happened in their house that night. He said he and his siblings were guarding their mother all the time and they were aware of the possible attacks of the Aswang. He told me had stepped something like a hairy tail and then he had thrown Garlic unto it and then it suddenly disappeared.”
That’s terrifying, right? But at least now we know the things don’t like garlic. Turn your living room into an Italian restaurant and you’ll never have to worry about Aswangs again. But what can you do if you don’t have those kinds of start-up funds? Don’t worry – there are other ways to defeat this beast – as plainly laid out in a Wikipedia section entitled ‘Dealing with Aswangs’. Here’s a real excerpt – and sorry ladies. You’re out of luck:
“Throwing semen at aswang is… said to irritate them.”
Bottom line fellas – if you see one of these things float in your window you need to ejaculate pronto.
Don’t worry though, women, because spooj isn’t really the only Aswang deterrent. You can also throw salt or household items shaped like a penis. It appears that phallic-shaped toaster you got at your bridal shower could be useful for more that just weiner toast.
We recommend you keep it under your pillow.