When reports started breaking earlier this week that Avril Lavigne and Nickelback?s Chad Kroeger had gotten engaged, the entire world stopped for a moment to, first, remember who the hell Lavigne and Kroeger were, then, collectively quiver at the thought of what type of repetitive (and redundant) earworm their spawn could create.
I'd have been less surprised– but more impressed– had the headlines been a product of collusion amongst mainstream media to Rick roll the public. Instead, I'm here grappling with the fact that it's been 10 years since Canada?s favorite pop-punk tomboy came on the scene and I'm left trying to make sense of how, after a decade of mediocre music and contrived character, anyone would still care.
Then it hit me like the point of intoxication, which conveniently doubles as the reasoning for her god awful taste in everything. (If not, she should steal that excuse. That PR advice was free of charge.)
As I was mulling it over, the only things that came to mind when thinking of the 27-year-old divorcee is her egregious sense of style and her inability to be alone, or more accurately, her inability to be without a douchebag counterpart. Therefore, logically speaking, those must be the reasons propelling her success, or at least driving her what is left of her fame.
As sad of a prospect as that is to consider, her $45 million net worth doesn't lie. So, I had to dig deeper to uncover truly how bad her tastes are.
Taste in Clothing
When you see a poorly groomed, questionably hygienic, angsty teen sporting a neck-tie-and-wife-beater combo, baggy pants, skater shoes/army boots, with shoelaces around her fingers to polish off the look, what is the first thing that crosses your mind? If you said, ?Give her a clothing line!? then you win (minus the part where you lose at life).
The geniuses that be at Kohl?s penned an exclusive deal with Lavigne to launch her own fashion and lifestyle brand called Abbey Dawn, or as I like to refer to it, Hotter Topic. The lifestyle branding, one can only assume, was made to embody and values and aspirations of 7th grade babysitters trying to emulate 10th grade babysitters everywhere.
Lavigne insisted on not merely licensing out her name, but actually have a role in designing the line, which probably speaks to all the skulls, zebra and star patterns, you know, sticking mainly to the timeless classics. She said she wanted to make things she'd like for herself so she could have the things she couldn't find.
I'm gonna take a moment to interject right here. Usually there is a reason when you can't find what you're looking for, and in Avril?s case, I'm can say with certainty that this was it: The reason it doesn't exist is because what you are looking for is heinous.
We get it, Avril, you're sooooo not mainstream. That doesn't mean that using safety pins instead of buttons makes you cooler. People know you can afford buttons– and hope you can work them– so the excessive inclusion of safety pins just make you look like you're trying too hard, not that you actually are hard.
While her blog calls the line ?well-received,? the website to purchase the clothes has everything, and I mean everything, listed at half-price. I'm not a buyer, but I'm also not retarded, and liquidation is never a good sign. Basically Kohl?s gave her the the role of pied piper to lead her tweeners into the abyss, and they still wouldn't bite.
Score: 2/10
Taste in Hair and Makeup
I'm not going to knock the girl for continually trying to look pissed off or pensive or constipated or whatever it is she is trying for, because if you've seen her smile, you know you'd be careful flashing that thing around town too. Yeesh.
I can, however, make note of her hopelessly tragic raccoon eyes and suggest that, perhaps, she might want to put the liner and shadow on her upper lid rather than down to her cheeks. Racoon eyes are only ok in mug shots and at select zoos.
Same goes for the hair. I'm not sure where she got the idea that greasy, unbrushed hair and pink/green highlights were here to stay, but someone has to key her in that it isn't the 90s and it never looked good.
Score: 3.5/10
Taste in Men
I'll concede that there was probably was slim pickings in the small-town of Napanee, Ontario, but it doesn't give Lavigne the pass to tattoo the name of the first guy she bumps into that is marginally better than her hometown talent.
First, it was Sum 41 front man, Deryck Whibley, with whom she was ?friends? from the jailbait age of 17. They got married when Lavigne was 21 years young and shockingly divorced three years later. They still share two matching tattoos, which is really just a testament to their poor decision-making.
An even bigger testament to poor decision-making comes in the form of her immediate bounce back romance with reality tv star Brody Jenner. She shares four tattoos with The Hills alum, including his name tattooed under her boob and, the real tribute to love, matching tattoos of the word ?fuck? on their ribs. It's really a mystery how these two didn't work out.
A month after the split from Jenner, Lavigne started dating Chad Kroeger, and the two were engaged after six months of super-stealth ninja dating. Since society is unoriginal and generally dim-witted, the two have been given a celebrity nickname of Chavril. He is 10 years her senior and his name rhymes with cougar, and all we can come up with is another mesh of two names? *sigh* Since neither musician seems to try at their craft, I am refusing to use my creative prowess to right that wrong.
Although they are the oddest of couples, one that I swear is just the plot of an SNL skit, their nuptials promises to be the royal wedding equivalent in Canada. People will munch on a glorious poutine wedding cake while being tasked with guessing when the lyric-free Nickelback sound track changes. The winner gets a matching tattoo with Lavigne, which should render them NSFW. Everybody wins.
Score: :(/10
After close examination (as close as one can get to the depths of all things Avril and not implode), I've come to the conclusion that her cry-for-help style was the original reason for her popularity but that her dubious man choices of recent are the only reason anyone would now take the time throw her name in the google machine. So, while her tastes are ultimately as terrible as they get, they are also the engine that drives her relevancy.
Thankfully the correlation isn’t strong, like in the case of a snookie-breed of celeb, but still, I imagine a few more weddings in her future. I’m sure king douchelord John Mayer should be available around that time, yes? Wonderful.