Are you invested in the lives of people who you once sort of half-liked but now no longer remember at all?
You are? Then you might want to sit down. Remember Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley? Come on, yes you do. They were the king and queen of bad, faux-rebellious teenage music from several years ago. Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley. You remember. She was definitely a punk because sometimes she wore a tie in an ironic way and his name was both stupid and hard to spell. You remember Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley. You do.
Anyway, they’ve split up.
It’s always sad when a marriage comes to an end. Actually, no, that statement needs a qualifier. It’s more accurate to say that it’s always sad when a marriage comes to an end, unless it’s the marriage between Avril Lavigne and Sum 41 singer Deryck Whibley because – even if you sat in a darkened room for a month contemplating the end of their marriage while listening to the world’s saddest violin aria and remembering your most traumatic childhood moments – you’d still be hard pressed to feel even the slightest twitch of emotion about it.
There, that makes much more sense.
Anyway, when Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley got married, they had the whole world in their hands, by which we mean an embarrassingly large collection of skinny ties, a few songs that sounded suspiciously like songs recorded by other people, a fairly large house and a two sets of genes which – if combined – would almost certainly produce a rubber-faced midget baby with an uncontrollable drool problem and an unpleasant sense of entitlement.
But how quickly things change. According to reports, Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley have now split up. We’ll give you a few minutes to look up who Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley are on Wikipedia, and then you can read how Avril broke the news on her MySpace blog. Actually, we should probably give you a few more minutes so that you can look up what MySpace is on Wikipedia as well. Ready?
“Deryck and I have been together for six-and-a-half years. We have been friends since I was 17, started dating when I was 19, and married when I was 21. I am grateful for our time together, and I am grateful and blessed for our remaining friendship. I admire Deryck and have a great amount of respect for him. He is the most amazing person I know and I love him with all my heart. Deryck and I are separating and moving forward on a positive note.”
You see? That’s love. We wish that we could find someone who we loved, admired, respected and generally considered to be amazing enough to dump in order to find someone better, too. That Avril Lavinge, she’s so lucky.
Reports suggesting that Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley had agreed to break up months ago, but didn’t tell anyone because Avril had spent the intervening time trying to dumbly type her split statement on a microwave instead of a computer and Deryck kept clattering into walls because he’d forgotten what doors were, are untrue. Probably.
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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
You’re a douche. “Do you still remember them” – millions of people do, fuckwit. Avril’s one of the highest selling musicians this decade. How dare you add insult to injury like that, moron.
Avril who? Sounds like a hot meaty drink to me.
Lavinge!! fhuckwhit. she single handedly changed the face of genuine punk rock. how could you forget? millions of people cant be wrong. even though history repeatedley proves that they can.
Your irony is so ironic.
changed the face of genuine punk rock… quite the statement bud.
i dont ever remember GENUINE punk ever getting endorsed by corporations (selling out), or getting very much radio play, or ever becoming fashion designers and models??? of course, then theres the fact she makes POP FUCKING MUSIC.
go read a book champ.
Congrats on finding a photo of April where she’s pulling a Chris Brown face. Is anyone here clever enough to Photoshop them into a hilarious messy mess?
Ah, April LaVinge, we hardly knew ye.
Genuine punk rock and Avril Lavinge in the same sentence? We’re you born in the 90′s or something?
I thought she was a Canon camera model?
Hear that sound? Thats Joey rolling over in the grave.
“Lavinge” – is that a 19th-century French medical procedure?
I guess PUNK ROCK and POP are used interchangably these days…
June 2, 2010
Dear Ms Avril Lavigne:
I have written to you before; please note my E-Mailing address; alexandersimonea@gmail.com; if you can; please contact me.
The reason I elevate my communique towards your fan line; over here,
in ‘Big-Rig’; many years from now I may Graduate from the fine academy;
here in the medical field; and from your healthy aspire; I look forward in,
having a lady represent my Secretarial in a private, and I may consider a ‘lady-pro”; somehow; I feel perhaps we met early.
I have several black-and-white pictures of a young ‘cutie’, a sweet looking brunette; her mom in 1964; in England of Serbian-blood; reminds of your ‘adult;’ please reply to my E-mail.
Here is a poem for you as a platonic friend I witness from memory and some-how; telepathically; I see the world; including your scene, pure and true.!!
The Elephant of India:
“Oh roar,
Big wag;
His trunk;
All swing.
Hiss;
Big Grin,
Such leather of velvet tonne;
Great ivory swivel,
Shrieking loud-to-calm,
Hey, hey, girl other leather;
What big buttress;
Your great tiny mouth;
Hey woman;
Sing me some song.!
And now;
Big feet;
Thump.! Thump! Thump! Thump!;
Ohh-ahh-ehh;
And how it smarts!!!
Ehh-ohh-uhh!!!
And the animals run away;
Still singing birds sway;
Oh, ah, haw!!;
See the bird squeek;
Find a bird true,
And Ms Avril;
You sing pretty,
Cockatoo blue,
And red, and white;
Like fiery chariot-woman,
Ascending to Camelot; and,
Now brilliant blue eyes sigh;
Sleep, pretty maid,
All true.
To let you know; my current day is writing for employ’;
please feel, free to sail under my Birth Certified full,
Roman Catholic Surname; and First,!!
And, when in Edmonton,
What I afford is coffee,
Free and calm.
So, thanks for reading;
a thank, you;
ALL,
BEST,
XX.
July 7, 2010
Mr. Alexander Simon,
Sir William Place,
Apartment #305c;
Boonie Doon,
8820-85 Street,
Edmonton, Alberta,
CANADA T6C 3C2
E-Mail: alexandersimonea@gmail.com
Telus Carrier Residential Phone: (780) 466-9719
Dear Ms Lavigne:
In limited tymme; I wish to say hello and admire your lovely way to sing and charm the world with a ‘steam;’ of English style!
Here; is a quick POEM:
Why in the world;
Is a Rabbit; (smile?)
Is it due to Her,
Warm; fuzzy; (?).
In all the Land true,
Does a Woman; (giggle?);
Is due to Her great rear eye;
beating (?);
Now tell me why,
She smiles;
Is it due to Her,
Warm; fuzzy whet heart(?).
#30
XX
what a dumbass she says shes been with him like 16. 17 18 19 20 21 got married at 21… thats only 4 years they have known eachother or 5…. did he like cheat on her for her to leave him i loved them together but she is a dumbass..
dumbbass lavinge , has been with evan longer then dyerk gay time to move on? cause they known eachother thats the hole of popint of a relationship knowning real well unless you fall out of love , ic ant believe she dumppp him! so what nows shes going back to under my skin, she did the best damn thing……….. all pink n shit what the hell yeah describes her life like what the hell avril lavigneeeeeeeeee
MASTER STAY!
“Machine Gun day;
All Cooled,
Lady!
Mike my Uniform;
Said for Berlin;
What said bid is brim?
The Graft is Zed the Lead;
Is grossed!
In thyme will we meet?
Time is turning …;
Germany is asking for England’s
Dressing?
Say dourest thou money eat Berlin pay?
Dress the ample lady woman stay …
On the Graft of X-Zeppelin?
Madly I time the slew of wind sail!
Madly I time the slew of wind sail!
Madly I time the slew of wind sail!
On days clear and wile:
Wings smile ret and wiled;
Engel gill;
Feast on win of sea care,
New day fed well on English
Day!
On Tuesday new beast,
Roast!
And, Wind lost … every taste …
Accost!
We sail every moored;
Tasting the sat of land of
Moored post
Win!
New land.
XX.!
November 10th, 2011
Mr. Alexander Simon,
Professional-Writer,
[address, email, telephone number all removed for the sake of the writer's sanity by editorial staff - seriously, who puts all their personal details on the comments of a website? - Ed]
SARA CREWE:
Only yesterday … was today;
rich is she … minding English
Day of dreaming into London
… with her friend Ms Sara Crewe!
Hungry is morning …
and Pricess prised more;
A day Spring;
Is Dove I look into and flown!
Ms Mincein tall and sound,
As a Lady Diana dresses in silk,
Robe and Royal of gown;
Hath way old fashinoned resting nightly hour.
A doll lassie and head Sweed and lobing dour;
Hi; a fourpence for my girl kindly;
One against a gentleman … Fred the night grocer;
Naught a monkey smiles with tea and glass clear for only his mommie!
Uncle Ted says with smirk;
The Pals sips quiet Coron black and young;
She sleeps … to light wings of Fly of butter winged ladies …
And hops a loving ride!
Freckles a smarty meows by …
And flings a wink to all her saiding ray;
Lady again turns to the Moon …
Delicate lands here with the silver and tune!
Ms Sara Crewe is here now feasting;
Loving pudding all custard pure …
Cashmere is here hand open and free,
With here dolly lassie ab open to sea!
Warm is the Moon and friends sing;
Six whole English plasms of praise,
Moon of gold and Belgium blue;
Want of a better night-day then not with out Lady Sara Crewe?
-30-
HEY, HEY GIRL ALL LONDON WHITE;
ALL DAYS OF COLD AND ENGLISH$;
SEE THE COLD OF HUNGARIAN SUN!
BLOOD IS THE COLOR FOE OF MINE NONE;
RIVER IS RABID; SO NEVER SET ONE;
BARK AS DOG IS FREE AND HOWLS WOMAN!
MOON SINGS FULL;
AS BABIES BORN ONE;
MOTHER AND FATHER GLEE FOR BUN!
MONTHS ARE YEARS AND SON,
FINDS WIFE; DAUGHTER FINDS SON,
AND NEW BABY SMILES AT HER NAPE!
NEW YEAR SINGS ENGLAND CHORUS;
CONSTABLES RING IN WITH SMILE AN CHORTLE;
CHILDREN PONDER REINDEER AND SANTA’S SMILE!
ALL HEATH AND PROPER BED,
WE OF EARTH SING GOOD-NIGHT,
MOMA AND POPA; GOOD LOVING CARE TONIGHT!
-30-
THE GLASS SLIPPER!
Prince of Albert;
Waiting for Lady of England,
Sings Merry for the Wedding Day!
Red buttons shine as Father Renald,
Gifts his hungry girl Verna away!
The tyme is London,
And birds with feather blue,
Coo for all welcome including the Groom!
Majectic strings of viola and flute peute;
Arrows fly;
And the Lady smiles!
The English Carriage is all golden white;
Larks honk and sing and smile!
Mother Ida sends her bestow;
10-thousand Pounds of English new mint!
10,000 cherring meet this new marry!
8,000 more carry: Gold, silver and bronze for pay;
A new Castle in Drieide, all Iron and marble inlay!
5 years and more … thrice girls and one baby boy!
Rolling Happy are the welcome family!
A LION’S SHARE! Second Verse
Hunger cries the Lion;s Heart,
As Heat warms bones dry and waiting …;
Teeth open and thirst edded open for girl waiting!
Hair like mother’s monetary;
Cool simmer of frame;
A girl new and caring;
Whet and win; as sun does dance like new sun!
A lovely carpet sand and dance, a love!
Swoon and river red boils hot open …,
Man Lion and Woman Lion Garel and stir the wind dressed tumble;
Hot is whet and whet is more …;
Girl and boy dance and whirl in sand and lock in heat;
And fire … more in sand and waist not a taste!
Moments are days and days are months … time is longer;
He kisser Her with teeth locked into her groin;
Steady now Lady I give you, my lock;
Babies in seven months;
All makes a Lion no sweet tonight!
The moon is cool, calm is bed,
One month in morphine heaven are babies read!
With a battle and brother red with smile;
Dead is father not brother amile!
-#30-
TODAY IS TOMORROW
If, a moment is now,
When do we have hours of love today?
Measure…love grand lady blue and calm;
Hath we more days along?
I see more tree for I locke with Scott;
All hair warm and seeth for morning until auburn!
Lest I War not with my Rife’;
Heading to Waslh a miter and Brite!
Oh, Lass; triel and kweal;
Hair I keep … for morrow I find my blood gone!
Mother I keep your hair new and kept;
Scotland I left;
Never wept!
A bullit raced burning in my heart;
My girl I love you!
I died … and alive not marked!
XXXXX!!!!!