Are you invested in the lives of people who you once sort of half-liked but now no longer remember at all?
You are? Then you might want to sit down. Remember Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley? Come on, yes you do. They were the king and queen of bad, faux-rebellious teenage music from several years ago. Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley. You remember. She was definitely a punk because sometimes she wore a tie in an ironic way and his name was both stupid and hard to spell. You remember Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley. You do.
Anyway, they’ve split up.
It’s always sad when a marriage comes to an end. Actually, no, that statement needs a qualifier. It’s more accurate to say that it’s always sad when a marriage comes to an end, unless it’s the marriage between Avril Lavigne and Sum 41 singer Deryck Whibley because – even if you sat in a darkened room for a month contemplating the end of their marriage while listening to the world’s saddest violin aria and remembering your most traumatic childhood moments – you’d still be hard pressed to feel even the slightest twitch of emotion about it.
There, that makes much more sense.
Anyway, when Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley got married, they had the whole world in their hands, by which we mean an embarrassingly large collection of skinny ties, a few songs that sounded suspiciously like songs recorded by other people, a fairly large house and a two sets of genes which – if combined – would almost certainly produce a rubber-faced midget baby with an uncontrollable drool problem and an unpleasant sense of entitlement.
But how quickly things change. According to reports, Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley have now split up. We’ll give you a few minutes to look up who Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley are on Wikipedia, and then you can read how Avril broke the news on her MySpace blog. Actually, we should probably give you a few more minutes so that you can look up what MySpace is on Wikipedia as well. Ready?
“Deryck and I have been together for six-and-a-half years. We have been friends since I was 17, started dating when I was 19, and married when I was 21. I am grateful for our time together, and I am grateful and blessed for our remaining friendship. I admire Deryck and have a great amount of respect for him. He is the most amazing person I know and I love him with all my heart. Deryck and I are separating and moving forward on a positive note.”
You see? That’s love. We wish that we could find someone who we loved, admired, respected and generally considered to be amazing enough to dump in order to find someone better, too. That Avril Lavinge, she’s so lucky.
Reports suggesting that Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley had agreed to break up months ago, but didn’t tell anyone because Avril had spent the intervening time trying to dumbly type her split statement on a microwave instead of a computer and Deryck kept clattering into walls because he’d forgotten what doors were, are untrue. Probably.
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Mike says
You’re a douche. “Do you still remember them” – millions of people do, fuckwit. Avril’s one of the highest selling musicians this decade. How dare you add insult to injury like that, moron.
Tom J says
Avril who? Sounds like a hot meaty drink to me.
Ironlung says
Lavinge!! fhuckwhit. she single handedly changed the face of genuine punk rock. how could you forget? millions of people cant be wrong. even though history repeatedley proves that they can.
Paul Gibson says
Congrats on finding a photo of April where she’s pulling a Chris Brown face. Is anyone here clever enough to Photoshop them into a hilarious messy mess?
Edmond Dantes says
Ah, April LaVinge, we hardly knew ye.
JoeMomma says
Genuine punk rock and Avril Lavinge in the same sentence? We’re you born in the 90’s or something?
I thought she was a Canon camera model?
Hear that sound? Thats Joey rolling over in the grave.
Anna says
“Lavinge” – is that a 19th-century French medical procedure?
missBird says
Your irony is so ironic.
ironlunggetalife says
changed the face of genuine punk rock… quite the statement bud.
i dont ever remember GENUINE punk ever getting endorsed by corporations (selling out), or getting very much radio play, or ever becoming fashion designers and models??? of course, then theres the fact she makes POP FUCKING MUSIC.
go read a book champ.
Lassy says
I guess PUNK ROCK and POP are used interchangably these days…
Alexander Simon says
June 2, 2010
Dear Ms Avril Lavigne:
I have written to you before; please note my E-Mailing address; [email protected]; if you can; please contact me.
The reason I elevate my communique towards your fan line; over here,
in ‘Big-Rig’; many years from now I may Graduate from the fine academy;
here in the medical field; and from your healthy aspire; I look forward in,
having a lady represent my Secretarial in a private, and I may consider a ‘lady-pro”; somehow; I feel perhaps we met early.
I have several black-and-white pictures of a young ‘cutie’, a sweet looking brunette; her mom in 1964; in England of Serbian-blood; reminds of your ‘adult;’ please reply to my E-mail.
Here is a poem for you as a platonic friend I witness from memory and some-how; telepathically; I see the world; including your scene, pure and true.!!
The Elephant of India:
“Oh roar,
Big wag;
His trunk;
All swing.
Hiss;
Big Grin,
Such leather of velvet tonne;
Great ivory swivel,
Shrieking loud-to-calm,
Hey, hey, girl other leather;
What big buttress;
Your great tiny mouth;
Hey woman;
Sing me some song.!
And now;
Big feet;
Thump.! Thump! Thump! Thump!;
Ohh-ahh-ehh;
And how it smarts!!!
Ehh-ohh-uhh!!!
And the animals run away;
Still singing birds sway;
Oh, ah, haw!!;
See the bird squeek;
Find a bird true,
And Ms Avril;
You sing pretty,
Cockatoo blue,
And red, and white;
Like fiery chariot-woman,
Ascending to Camelot; and,
Now brilliant blue eyes sigh;
Sleep, pretty maid,
All true.
To let you know; my current day is writing for employ’;
please feel, free to sail under my Birth Certified full,
Roman Catholic Surname; and First,!!
And, when in Edmonton,
What I afford is coffee,
Free and calm.
So, thanks for reading;
a thank, you;
ALL,
BEST,
XX.
Mr. Alexander Simon says
July 7, 2010
Mr. Alexander Simon,
Sir William Place,
Apartment #305c;
Boonie Doon,
8820-85 Street,
Edmonton, Alberta,
CANADA T6C 3C2
E-Mail: [email protected]
Telus Carrier Residential Phone: (780) 466-9719
Dear Ms Lavigne:
In limited tymme; I wish to say hello and admire your lovely way to sing and charm the world with a ‘steam;’ of English style!
Here; is a quick POEM:
Why in the world;
Is a Rabbit; (smile?)
Is it due to Her,
Warm; fuzzy; (?).
In all the Land true,
Does a Woman; (giggle?);
Is due to Her great rear eye;
beating (?);
Now tell me why,
She smiles;
Is it due to Her,
Warm; fuzzy whet heart(?).
#30
XX
lalalooo says
what a dumbass she says shes been with him like 16. 17 18 19 20 21 got married at 21… thats only 4 years they have known eachother or 5…. did he like cheat on her for her to leave him i loved them together but she is a dumbass..
gotcrabbes says
dumbbass lavinge , has been with evan longer then dyerk gay time to move on? cause they known eachother thats the hole of popint of a relationship knowning real well unless you fall out of love , ic ant believe she dumppp him! so what nows shes going back to under my skin, she did the best damn thing……….. all pink n shit what the hell yeah describes her life like what the hell avril lavigneeeeeeeeee
Mr. Alexander Simon says
MASTER STAY!
Mr. Alexander Simon says
November 10th, 2011
Mr. Alexander Simon,
Professional-Writer,
[address, email, telephone number all removed for the sake of the writer’s sanity by editorial staff – seriously, who puts all their personal details on the comments of a website? – Ed]
SARA CREWE:
Only yesterday … was today;
rich is she … minding English
Day of dreaming into London
… with her friend Ms Sara Crewe!
Hungry is morning …
and Pricess prised more;
A day Spring;
Is Dove I look into and flown!
Ms Mincein tall and sound,
As a Lady Diana dresses in silk,
Robe and Royal of gown;
Hath way old fashinoned resting nightly hour.
A doll lassie and head Sweed and lobing dour;
Hi; a fourpence for my girl kindly;
One against a gentleman … Fred the night grocer;
Naught a monkey smiles with tea and glass clear for only his mommie!
Uncle Ted says with smirk;
The Pals sips quiet Coron black and young;
She sleeps … to light wings of Fly of butter winged ladies …
And hops a loving ride!
Freckles a smarty meows by …
And flings a wink to all her saiding ray;
Lady again turns to the Moon …
Delicate lands here with the silver and tune!
Ms Sara Crewe is here now feasting;
Loving pudding all custard pure …
Cashmere is here hand open and free,
With here dolly lassie ab open to sea!
Warm is the Moon and friends sing;
Six whole English plasms of praise,
Moon of gold and Belgium blue;
Want of a better night-day then not with out Lady Sara Crewe?
-30-
Mr. Alexander Simon says
HEY, HEY GIRL ALL LONDON WHITE;
ALL DAYS OF COLD AND ENGLISH$;
SEE THE COLD OF HUNGARIAN SUN!
BLOOD IS THE COLOR FOE OF MINE NONE;
RIVER IS RABID; SO NEVER SET ONE;
BARK AS DOG IS FREE AND HOWLS WOMAN!
MOON SINGS FULL;
AS BABIES BORN ONE;
MOTHER AND FATHER GLEE FOR BUN!
MONTHS ARE YEARS AND SON,
FINDS WIFE; DAUGHTER FINDS SON,
AND NEW BABY SMILES AT HER NAPE!
NEW YEAR SINGS ENGLAND CHORUS;
CONSTABLES RING IN WITH SMILE AN CHORTLE;
CHILDREN PONDER REINDEER AND SANTA’S SMILE!
ALL HEATH AND PROPER BED,
WE OF EARTH SING GOOD-NIGHT,
MOMA AND POPA; GOOD LOVING CARE TONIGHT!
-30-
Mr. Alexander Simon says
THE GLASS SLIPPER!
Prince of Albert;
Waiting for Lady of England,
Sings Merry for the Wedding Day!
Red buttons shine as Father Renald,
Gifts his hungry girl Verna away!
The tyme is London,
And birds with feather blue,
Coo for all welcome including the Groom!
Majectic strings of viola and flute peute;
Arrows fly;
And the Lady smiles!
The English Carriage is all golden white;
Larks honk and sing and smile!
Mother Ida sends her bestow;
10-thousand Pounds of English new mint!
10,000 cherring meet this new marry!
8,000 more carry: Gold, silver and bronze for pay;
A new Castle in Drieide, all Iron and marble inlay!
5 years and more … thrice girls and one baby boy!
Rolling Happy are the welcome family!
Mr. Alexander Simon says
A LION
Mr. Alexander Simon says
TODAY IS TOMORROW
If, a moment is now,
When do we have hours of love today?
Measure…love grand lady blue and calm;
Hath we more days along?
I see more tree for I locke with Scott;
All hair warm and seeth for morning until auburn!
Lest I War not with my Rife’;
Heading to Waslh a miter and Brite!
Oh, Lass; triel and kweal;
Hair I keep … for morrow I find my blood gone!
Mother I keep your hair new and kept;
Scotland I left;
Never wept!
A bullit raced burning in my heart;
My girl I love you!
I died … and alive not marked!
XXXXX!!!!!
Mr. Alexander Simon says
The Mann of German Care!
Mr. Alexander Simon says
March 8th, 2012
Mr. Alexander Simon,
Sir William Place,
#305, 8820
Mr. Alexander Simon says
On Apr 24, 2012, David Plouffe, The White House wrote:
Good morning,
If Congress doesn’t act by July 1, interestrates will double for millions of students with subsidized Stafford loans.
There’s no reason this has to happen, but unfortunately some members of Congress are placing top priority on giving tax breaks to millionaires and billionaires instead of making smart investments in education that put the cost of higher education within reach for more Americans.
So this week, President Obama is getting out of Washington and travelling to college campuses across the country to get the word out to students and families.
Learn more about how this could affect students in your state and find out how you can help spread the word.
Getting a college degree shouldn’t be a luxury only a few Americans can afford, and it’s the sort of critical investment in our future we should support, not cut. Every hard working student deserves a fair shot at getting the skills and training they need to get a good job and compete in the 21stcentury economy.
At a time when so many middle class students are struggling to afford a college education, doubling their interest rates will only make it more difficult for them to get ahead.
Take a minute to learn more about this issue and help us spread the word:
http://www.whitehouse.gov/dont-double-my-rates
Thanks for your help,
David
David Plouffe
Senior Advisor to the President
P.S. Are you on Twitter? Make sure you follow us @WhiteHouseand speak out using the hashtag #DontDoubleMyRate.
This email was sent to [email protected].
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Please do not reply to this email. Contact the White House
The White House
Mr. Alexander Simon says
A LIONS SHARE!
Hunger radiates from His Lion-Heart;
While stalking sweet scented Prey across Africa’s green glowing terrain!
How magnificent this sinuous King who over turns the Gazelle;
tearing into warm moist meat!
Now brilliant ambers eyes rest until his Hunger unfurls
His great golden lion mane!
“While this rare Poem on The Lion is not complete nor is the Union of Provincial of Alberta Employees and and one only passenger in heart surgery I read to was mother impressed and recommended in British England that of London sail to write a book on my Holy Baptised and Holy Confirmed Roman Catholic mind un married and
waiting hot Catholic for my perfect love I married!!”
I wrote further:
MY QUEEN!
My Soul dry and whet for My Queen!
As I lead my brave Soldiers across the burning sand,
I feel no pain but for My Queen!
And, as Lead my brave men to Battle:
I fight, live, and love for My Queen!
And as the blade of the sword enters me now;
And my Blood drains over my Being;
I think not of their wives and children,
Who died of scorn and rot;
And as My Blood drains cooling the burning sand;
I think only of My Queen!!
I wrote these words as a Poet in Military and invite,
all responisble people to be a ware of WAR!!
A PRINCESS OF MY BLOOD!
Love is Angel and born with wing and Virgin! Eyes blue more than Heaven and days are waiting for your birth I love and wait not time to end Life if enter a demon dressed in death! Why I love my son well clean and brace for War; never did I enter any time and kissed her more! My Life is my Roman Catholic Kingdom; my Princess and Prince We fought all battle and War won every with Our gracious Margaret and lousy dirty ended their brought!! She is Angel pure and is Son; by all Camelot in Berlin no ilk