Really Avatar? We go away for a few weeks and you’re still top of the weekend box office when we come back?
That’s hardly very considerate. We already did the thing about you all looking like Smurfs and the thing about you all looking like Delgo and the thing about you being slightly tedious, and yet you’re still here, at the top of the weekend box office, making people happy, aren’t you Avatar? You selfish sod.
Still, at least Avatar‘s success means that we know what people like now – over-long, expensive-looking nonsense about silly blue things. There’s never been a better time to greenlight our Pensioners Dying Of Pneumonia In Slow Motion On The Moon script, Hollywood. Get on it.
Whisper it, but it looks like Avatar has turned out to be quite successful. You can tell by the way that Avatar is still number one at the US weekend box office, just as it was before our Christmas break. And by the way that it’s made close to half a billion dollars already. And by the way that we had to queue up for 25 minutes just to get a poxy cinema ticket this weekend. If you could judge a movie’s success by the amount of blood vessels that we burst due to the stress of being stuck in a line full of idiots at a cinema, then there’s a good argument for Avatar being the most successful movie ever.
But you didn’t come here for anecdotes about our barely-concealed emotional problems, did you? You came here for numbers. So here’s this week’s US weekend box office top five…
1 – Avatar (If you’re not keen on Pensioners Dying Of Pneumonia In Slow Motion On The Moon Hollywood, we do have a back-up script. It’s entitled Children Getting Choked Unconscious In Slow Motion Inside A Big Kaleidoscope. Shia LaBeouf has expressed interest in playing one of the children. We’re ready when you are, Hollywood) $68,300,000
2 – Sherlock Holmes (Or The Longest-Ever Episode Of Jonathan Creek, as it logically should have been called) $38,400,000
3 – Alvin And The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (Finally, a movie that teaches us the correct spelling of the word ‘squeakquel’. We’d been going with ‘squeakwul’ up until now. Don’t we look quite the fool?) $36,600,000
4 – It’s Complicated (Named after a phrase popularised by Facebook. Other prospective titles mooted during production rumoured to include Nigel Has Thrown A Sheep At You, Everyone You Know Is Better At Bejewelled Blitz Than You Are and Turns Out That Most People You Went To School With Are A Teensy Bit Racist) $18,700,000
5 – The Blind Side (Oh, enough already) $12,700,000
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Gary says
Ahhh at least you aren’t at all pretentious about your opinions!
John says
You sound like a complete tosser. Only slight offense intended.