Stuart Waterman - HecklerSpray

Meat Loaf & Ace Frehley Fulfill Old Men?s Fantasies (Non-Sexually, Thankfully)

August 16th, 2009 By Stuart Waterman

What’s your favourite rock n’ roll fantasy? Is it that you’re married to Cher? It would go some way to explaining why you keep creeping into her bedroom, at least.

Perhaps it’s that Kurt Cobain is still alive? That’s cool, but it does mean we would probably have been denied Foo Fighters, who have had more hits and are therefore almost certainly better than Nirvana.

What? Your favourite rock n’ roll fantasy involves noodling on a guitar in a windowless studio with a sweaty old man for hours at a time? Then you might want to get your Mojo-loving arse along to Rock N’ Roll Fantasy Camp.

Blake Fielder-Civil Wants Amy Winehouse’s Money For Being An Utter Git

July 21st, 2009 By Stuart Waterman

So, it’s over. Amy Winehouse and Blake Incarcerated Fielder-Civil have been granted a divorce, meaning, hopefully, Amy now has enough gruesome, emotionally tortured experiences to turn into material for a cracking new album.

However, that naughty Blake Fielder-Civil is apparently claiming that since his utter swinefulness was what inspired Amy Winehouse’s huge album Back To Black in the first place, he should be due a few pounds. Six million of them, if you believe “reports”.

You see, Back To Black was written and recorded after Amy and Blake’s first split, which occured because Blake had cheated on Amy with his ex-girlfriend. So what Blake’s saying, basically, is that the album wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for his decision to throw his cock up up another woman.

Sean Paul Wants To Show Giraffe Porn To Young Japanese Ghosts

July 5th, 2009 By Stuart Waterman

Sean Paul – who, by law, you have to refer to as “Shanna Pall” if speaking aloud – is apparently the best-selling Jamaican music act in history.

This means he has outsold student poster staple Bob Marley, chubby bleating man-boy Sean Kingston and renowned murder-advocating homophobes Elephant Man, Beenie Man and Buju Banton. No mean feat, Shanna.

This year Sean Paul releases his fourth album, Imperial Blaze, which, sadly, is not a concept album about burning down the Death Star. Last week he flew to Blighty to do a bit of press ahead of the album’s release, and among the gems to arise from the trip were an admission that he would like to watch giraffes bumming and then show said bummage to a young Oriental ghost.

Sophie Ellis-Bextor Has A Tendency To Google The Term “I Hate Sophie Ellis-Bextor”

June 14th, 2009 By Stuart Waterman

A lot of people seem to hate Sophie Ellis-Bextor. And why wouldn’t they? There’s so much to loathe.

There are all those hit records which, alongside a faultless sense of style and strikingly glamorous looks, have quietly made her one of the country’s finest pop stars. There’s that – oh my God – that voice, which, while it may not have the greatest range, has a classy, chocolatey poshness which makes Galaxy bars appear as upmarket as cherry-flavoured Panda Pops by comparison.

With that much going for her it’s not surprising that people hate Sophie Ellis-Bextor. But it is quite surprising to hear her admit that she sometimes Googles the term ‘I hate Sophie Ellis-Bextor’ as a way of finding out how beastly those horrid internet people are about her.

Jimi Hendrix Was Murdered By His Manager, Says Man With Book To Sell

June 2nd, 2009 By Stuart Waterman

Jimi Hendrix’s death has long been one of the few rock demises to lack a well-publicised conspiracy theory.

Over the years his death has been overshadowed by tinfoil-hatted conspiracies attached to the deaths of the likes of Elvis Presley, The Rolling Stones’ Brian Jones and Jim Morrison of The Doors.

Indeed the popular perception of Hendrix’s demise seems to be that when he accidentally inhaled his own toxic vomit and passed away in 1970 at the age of 27, everyone just kind of murmered “woah, that’s heavy”, dropped a quaalude, and then continued tie-dyeing their kaftans.

But there have always been disagreements about how Jimi Hendrix popped his psychedelic clogs, and now an ex-roadie of his – who just happens to have a book to pimp – is claiming that the guitar genius had pills n’booze shoved down his gullet by his own bloody manager

Rihanna And Cassie Engage In Online Photographic Tit-Off

May 11th, 2009 By Stuart Waterman

It’s a well-known fact that the internet’s main job is to serve up photos of naked celebrities.

And if we were to conduct performance evaluations for the internet, during which we might judge how well it is doing its job, last week we would have given it a golden badge full of golden stars, a magic rain-banishing medal, and an edible framed certificate made from delicious chocolate. Why? Because, finally, the internet has delivered the JPEG Holy Grail: naked Rihanna.

Johnny Cash Remixed For No Apparent Rea$on

April 28th, 2009 By Stuart Waterman

LOL! I just had the most hilarious dream. In it, a bunch of classic Johnny Cash songs got highly unnecessary remixes and rejigs from the likes of Snoop Dogg, Midnight Juggernauts and Pete Rock. LOL!

And it was all overseen by Johnny Cash’s own son, too! LOL! I tell ya, in my dream I laughed so darn hard that I urinated all over myself. In my dream.

And yet… Why are my legs so warm, wet and itchy? Oh, it’s because the whole project is trufax and the sheer laziness of it has infected me and my ability to control my urethral sphincter.

Billy Bob Thornton: Master Of Passive Aggression And/Or Total Dick

April 13th, 2009 By Stuart Waterman

How many Billy Bob Thornton films can you name, off the top of your head? You might reel off Sling Blade, Bad Santa, Armageddon, Pushing Tin, Monster’s Ball, A Simple Plan.

Now, how many Billy Bob Thornton albums can you name, whether as a solo artist or as a member of his country-pop band The Boxmasters?

Not so easy, right? Nevertheless, as his breathtakingly petulant recent performance on Canada’s CBC Radio One illustrates, when Billy Bob Thornton is promoting his little-heard of band he’d rather you pretend you’ve never seen any of his blockbuster movies. Even the Oscar-nominated ones where he bangs Halle Berry or plays a mumbling, mentally-deficient, murdering mentalist.