Channel Five gets all the best shows. You want to see Keith Chegwin running about in the nude? It’s on Channel Five. You want to see Madge from Neighbours get her face cut open and her skin tightened? It’s on Channel Five. You want to see Joey? Really? You want to see it? Anyway, it’s on Channel Five.

You want to see Joan Rivers and Brigitte Nielsen screaming swearwords into each other’s faces? Of course you do. And where will you be able to see it? That’s right, Channel Five.

The world is split into three types of people. The ones that want to be Superman , and the ones that want to be Batman . And everyone else. You know, the ones that aren’t twelve year-old boys.

But what if we told you that there’s going to be a Batman Vs Superman movie coming soon?

A while ago he’d be happy to run around a shopping centre shooting people in the head, or run around a forest  shooting aliens in the head, or run around Mars shooting people in the head. Or run around a futuristic gameshow  shooting… oh, you get the idea.

But now he has to sit behind a desk as the Governer of California, signing things like legislation drafts. He might not be the man he once was.

So like any self-respecting pen pusher, he’s decided to take out his frustrations out…

The Ivor Novello award nominations for this year have been announced.

Don’t expect any shocks, because the Novellos are always the most conservative music awards in the whole universe. In theory, they reward songwriting. But in reality, they reward whoever sell the most records. Here’s the hecklerspray rundown…

Today it was revealed that The Rolling Stones are finally expected to quit after one last huge tour.

The group, who now have a combined age of 242, are likely to bow out after a huge jaunt that will last more than a year. That’s a lot of meals on wheels!

One of the most mong-brained ideas for a TV show ever must be Stars In Their Eyes. Whoever thought of dressing up poor people like famous people and making them sing deserves a bloody medal.

Although it’s still being made, the show cannot possibly top the moment when the fake Chris DeBurgh and the real Chris de Burgh sang a duet version of Lady In Red that even Radio 4 listeners found unbearably smug.

So a new show was needed for crosseyed gypsies to clap their hands to on Saturday teatimes. And lo, Hit Me Baby One More Time was created. And, oddly, it’s great.

…

Former Spice Girl, Sporty Spice (Mel C) went through a period of ‘depression’ after she started as a solo singer.

The woman who perfectly summed up the hardships of sleeping rough by writing "I couldn’t live without my phone/but you don’t even have a home", blames the media’s portrayal of women for making her feel a bit low.

The constant speculation about her weight and sexuality made her question her worth so much she even stopped making music. And thats a bad thing. She says…

"It’s a tough world whoever you are, but particularly for women. Being in the public eye as a woman…

Self-professed ‘comedy terrorist’ Aaron Barschak – the man who dressed up as Osama and kissed Prince William on his 21st – has hit the headlines again.

This time, he’s been arrested on suspicion of making a bomb hoax at the offices of The Sun. This could possibly be a comment on the story in the newspaper this week where a reporter drove a fake bomb into Windsor Castle. Or it might not be.

All hecklerspray wants is for Barschak to stop calling himself a ‘comedy terrorist’ and own up to his real title – ‘twat’.