So that’s Blue, Steps, Spice Girls, Take That, No Doubt, 911 (Really?), Soundgarden (Jesus…), ‘Space’ (WHAT) and Babylon Zoo all reunited and back in our hearts once again. For the good of music.
The dream team are back. (Not ‘the Dream Team’ though. Just the idiom.) What an incredibly unexpected blast from the past! What a lovable foray back into 90s kitsch! What a beautifully orchestrated look into the disenfranchised work ethic of the average mid-30s misogynist. Soundgarden. Brilliant.
In case you haven’t realised yet – we don’t know how – maybe you were tired – maybe you woke up in a bunk-bed – maybe you were too busy thinking, “Crikey, it’s great about Space, isn’t it?” Hey. Whatever it was that you ‘had’ to do that made you not walk full pelt into the conclusion – that we are lying. That’s it. We’re liars. We do not think that every band that hit prominence in the late 90s, thus reinforcing the painstakingly dull ebb of a nation’s continued thrusting urgency for cheesy nostalgia, or an excuse to lift Lee Ryan’s restraining order on woodland creatures, vulnerable women and sci-fi is necessarily a good idea. Oh, and we also lied about Babylon Zoo. Sucks to be you right now.
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Oh, it would be so easy wouldn’t it? Yes. It would be so incredibly, irrefutably, painstakingly easy to take the mick out of the NME awards. Ha! The NME award clientele! With their cliques, and their Match.com courtesans, and their Tarantino box-sets, and their hemp, and their vaginal weights, and their history of rubbing thighs to the sound of Emma Watson’s name, and their colon tubes, and their fear of dying, and their moustaches and their Fairtrade Chocolate and their…
Yes, it would be so easy to take the mick out of the NME awards. So very, very easy. Oh, we’re so self riotous because we figured out that The Vaccines weren’t very good, and a couple of thin people with careers and Class B drugs didn’t.
Oh we’re so mercilessly coy in our fixed, irreverent ways – god, why don’t we just get on our high, sarcastic, horses (Yes! Of course like that one Rebecca Brooks has! Ha! Yes! We have our fingers in many many caustic pies!) and take the mick out of the incredibly easy targets that are the NME awards and not exceed ANYBODY’s expectations, shall we?
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Two granola-sized pieces of Cheryl Cole news for you today, and they both matter absolutely not at all, but let’s just talk about it anyway, okay? It’s important sometimes to force yourself into new cultures – you know, like caviar, or Newsnight Hugh Grant.
A while ago, we happened to mention that ARGHCHEZZA (as the English language’s basic semantic functions deduce her name to be) was going to be in ‘a film with Cameron Diaz in it’.
This wasn’t even something we made up to hurt you or cause you notable mental or physical distress, it really was the truth – and sometimes the truth hurts. And sometimes – the truth is also; that people will literally give anybody any ridiculous sum of money for doing basically anything at all if they give good side boob. It’s just human trafficking, and it’s fine. *Mutters*
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One of the more notable, or should we say biggest bloody deals of life ever of tonight’s Brits, is the British Critics’ Choice Awards. Otherwise who the hell else are we going to fawn over for the next 8-10 months?
The pop equivalent of Bambi’s surrogate mother and all round Robin Williams Pixar voice impersonator Lana Del Rey?
This is literally the only way we will ever be able to properly understand music and engage in credibility, now that according to Twitter – ‘Coldplayers run the world’ (we personally don’t think they could run a tap without bursting into tears because they found a metaphor in the water) and Joe McElderry has gone classical. It’s difficult being us.
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Alright everybody, heads up. Everyone’s least favourite Beatle has an announcement to make – one that makes him seem almost responsible and, simultaneously like a lame-rebel pensioner. Ready?
Paul McCartney will not be taking any more drugs anymore.
This will no doubt hurtle straight into, say, number 7 or so on the ‘Other Seriously Important Things That Don’t Happen Any More List.‘ that we all live by day after day. And if you’re wondering what the rest of the list is and Macca’s reasons why he’s knocking blow on the head, read on.
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Ah love. We love it. But not as much as celebrity couples who love it more! Or at least maybe murmer to Max Clifford that those M&S microwave asparagus rissottos aren’t going to heat up in their houses with no electricity by themselves.
Love is all you need.
Everybody says it. John Lennon says it. Richard Curtis got a fridge magnet of it and then based an entire career around it. We’re not really sure what the hell’s going on to be honest. Suffice to say, it’s the hecklerspray Top 10 Most.. GOD KNOWS WHAT THEY WERE THINKING! Celebrity Couples list!
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Right. Here’s the future. In the year 200andGoogleitbecausewedidnot, once all the disinfectant from Leona Lewis’ Olympic Opening Ceremony Performance has sterilized Britain, there is to be some exciting news. Naomi Watts is going to do exactly what Meryl Streep has just done here in 2012.
But she’s going to do it slightly more creepier – and be all PRINCESS DIANA and everything.
Okay. Quick reminder on who Princess Diana is, just before everyone jumps on the bandwagon and starts holding aloft an ironic piece of bunting with a smashed arm of a princess on it or something.
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Here at hecklerspray we like nothing more than the cold icy crevasse of hard work. Seriously, we don’t even whistle whilst. It really is like we are the cogs in the grinding mechanism of a distribution machine in the factory of universal contribution.
The endearing, eccentric Rhys Ifans kind of ones, obv.
But no, we really appreciate the hard grievous labour of the world of work. Well, we were like that, until we logged on to Twitter, and were immediately diagnosed with the mostly symptomless but ultimately very aggressive form of LOL Addiction that is!
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