Diary of the Fearless Truth Seekers: The Week in Tabloids- Bloody Foreigners, Over Here, Nicking Our Wind

Over the summer we had riots and phone hacking. Everything’s gone quiet now and we’re left with the old bogeymen.

The Mail sees global warming as some kind of conspiracy that involves the BBC, the lib dems, Richard Dawkins and someone at a council who wants to rebrand Christmas as Winterval.

In fact on Monday they managed to combine a climate change story with another of their favourite topics when they discovered that wind turbines were immigrants (‘Two thirds of the UK’s wind turbines are foreign-owned’).

Top 7 Non-Humans We Really Shouldn’t Want To Do It With, But We Do

Here at hecklerspray we have so much sweet love to give, that there’s not enough humans to satisfy our seemingly unquenchable libido.

Sure we’ve considered bestiality but we are sticklers for social etiquette and we’ve heard that being balls deep in a penguin is something of a no-no.

So far the closest we’ve come was to let a woodlouse crawl on our male/female parts. Yes. We have both. However, we’ve compiled a list of non-human totty that we just wouldn’t be able to resist.

Festival Review: Leeds 2011

Five teenage boys are standing in a circle, arms locked around each others shoulders but this is no group hug.

They are all urinating into the centre.

They are ten metres away from the toilets.

Welcome to Leeds.

Festival Review: The Big Chill 2011

Argghhh! Panic! The festival industry is dying! Run for the hills (well, the cities)! So, then Big Chill- what are you about? Should we be impressed or not?

You’re run by Festival Republic who really aren’t the leftwing revolutionary group that your name would like us to infer, but your line-up isn’t exactly the warmed up Radio 1 tedium soup of V.

If our weekend was anything to go by, it’s where the kind of punters who used to frequent Glastonbury now like to er.. chill.

Festival Review – Camp Bestival

It’s ironic that the golden rule of capitalism is at work in something as historically left-of-centre as festivals. This summer the power of the market is separating the wheat from the chaff in festival-land.

The beauty of it is, that whilst money may be able to book a big headliner,  it requires imagination to create a festival that fills a gap in the market. Sure, the results might not always be nice (the unwelcome rumours that the marvellous Truck Festival may be bust for instance) but it’s sure to guarantee that no-one’s complacent.

Camp Bestival was started as a more family-friendly version of Bestival. As the popularity of taking kids to festivals has grown, so has this (now medium sized) festival. The Sunday Best lot know their audience and they have enough confidence in their own instincts that they don’t feel the need to schedule the acts in order of record sales. An obvious example is the headliner on Friday night. Other festivals might relegate Blondie to a tent, and stick the flavour of the year on the main stage, but Sunday Best know their audience. Obvious really since the man in charge is a DJ (Rob Da Bank) and therefore has an intuitive grasp of what the next tune should be.

HecklerPlay Festival Preview: August

Ah, festivals. Possibly the best thing about living in Britain is that because the weather is so dreary most of the year we party like idiots as soon as the sun comes out.

We used to have to either choose between about four festivals or go to Ibiza to combine hedonism and music. Now we are as spoilt for choice as a footballer in a lapdancing club.

So where are you going? There are small ones, big ones, dance ones, rock ones, ones for has-beens, ones for soon-to-bes. There are stupid amounts to choose from, but here are the ones that we would suggest…

Festivals Preview- July

As you may have noticed we’ve thrown ourselves into festival season like nobody’s business this summer.

We’ve already had some great weekends and it’s still so early!  If you still haven’t decided where to go this summer, then please allow us to make some recommendations! So what’s in store for July then?

Apart from shouting ‘bollocks’ in a field and hoping everyone will join in, as opposed to bricking your tent to death…

Festival Review – Wireless 2011

Hyde Park’s a funny old place, what with it seeming to have two festivals sharing the same field. And as we walked in, there was a Radio 1 style pop-event going on. Ke$ha was on stage. She is profoundly irritating. Do we really need to justify this with serious journalistic observation? Well, according to her wikipedia page she cites Banksy as an influence. What kind of name-dropping wank-sack musician cites a graffiti artist as an influence*?

Needless to say, her performance successfully manages to reflect the pretentiousness of this notion. She puts on a show, and makes more of an effort than a thousand Snow Patrols but after watching her, even Nelson Mandela would have to murder a stranger just to let off some steam.

Retro electro**-pop duo Chromeo are a charming act on record, and on stage some of that charisma does come across but the intricate production that distinguishes their sound is lost in the field today. Their albums take the ‘eighties if the eighties had actually been any good’ vibe that Les Rythmes Digitales pioneered and add a sprinkling of synth-funk on top of it. Bands can sink or swim in open air, and even tracks like Fancy Footwork and Bonafide Lovin’, the Canadian duo fail to do themselves justice.

Shia LaBoeuf Is A Fucking Idiot According To Prominent Wookie Botherer, Harrison Ford

You’ve got to pick sides these days. There’s no grey in life anymore, no nuance. It’s black and white. Guilty? Then throw away the key!

A victim? Then everything you say is sacred and righteous. Think the most recent album by x band is okay, but not as good as their last one? No you don’t- you’re a HATER!

Israel vs Palestine. Dawkins vs God. Left vs Right. 0 vs 1. But even in these binary times we’re stumped on where we stand on Harrison Ford vs Shia LaBoeuf .

Festival Review: Download 2011 Sunday

Is there any more fun to be drawn from rap/rock? Judging by Hyro Da Hero, the answer is “Fun, yes. Essential music, perhaps not.” This is the straighter end of alt/noise rock (think a less experimental At the Drive-In) with rapping over the top rather that the normal approach of recreating hip-hop’s bounce and swing with live instruments.

A welcome change on a rainy morning after all the white men shouting, but ultimately inconsequential.

Norway’s Kvelertak describe themselves as Black n’ Roll, and it’s a good a label as any. Rock n’ Roll with metal vocals. Like a less-pantomime Turbonegro, they sound like Satan’s favourite blues band. Another feather in Scandinavia’s already feather-stuffed cap.