What did you do this weekend? Have a slow meander into town to revel at how low humanity has sunk, judging the entire human race by how many overweight teenage girls girls a) have stupid thick rimmed glasses with no lenses or b) wear pink hoodies with the precise date of when they got a DM over Twitter from Justin Bieber (or whoever is running his account while he’s giving Selena Gomez some southern loving and looking at himself in the mirror) there are?
Or maybe you spent the entire weekend watching Whitney Houston’s funeral off your face on MDMA, convinced that members of the choir looked like extras from Sister Act? Well either way, you’ve probably had a better time than Kelly Osbourne who’s had to face off attacks from the newest nation soon to join the United Nations; Lady Gaga’s Little Monsters.
And it all stems from people not knowing how to deal with someone else’s opinion. Which seems to be a recurring theme in the busy life of Kelly Osbourne doesn’t it? After all, doesn’t God say “Let she that used to go out with a transvestite lover, cast aspersions that Christina Aguilera is a fat bitch.” [excerpt from the MTV Almost Right, Thanks For Trying Bible].
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The human body is a fantastic thing isn’t it? We are one of the most advanced beings on the Planet, the only mammal to perfect the art of speech, and in some cases like Katie Price and the cast of The Only Way Is Essex, almost perfecting the art of speech.
But sometimes terrible things happen don’t they? Genocide, murder, xenophobia, all terrible, terrible things that have been performed by human hands. The human race can excel to monumental levels, or sink to disgusting depths. And it seems that sometimes people relish in doing things just to make people annoyed or upset.
Step forward designer peddler, Mulberry. Not content with pushing Alexa Chung further into our faces by naming one of their notoriously expensive bags after her, they’re at it again, with one of the more bizarre pieces of music/fashion amalgamation. Can you guess which one hit wonder, which financially backed by her rich daddy star has been immortalized in cow hide and not a stitch of forethought? None other than Lana Del Rey of course.
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Right you horrible lot, shall we get this started? Because by the sounds of the naysayers on TV and radio and in the papers, eventually we’ll all be out of a job and by that point, no one will have a TV anymore and we’ll all by using someone else’s children as currency.
Not in a sexual sense obviously, it’s for the hair. Imagine how you could live in luxury knowing that somewhere in your barren estate is a Scrooge McDuck vault full of children’s hair. You’d lord it over all those people selling wheelbarrows for a loaf of bread.
Sounds like a terrible state of affairs doesn’t it? Unemployable people are milling around not wanting jobs that the government is trying to make them take, while people who do want a job are being made to work unpaid in places like Tesco and Topshop because that’s what’s good for the nation. Dressing like someone shot you out of a cannon, through a Toto Coelo video and dropped you behind a counter looking sullen is good for the country. So they say. But what would we know? We all voted for Will Young to win Pop Idol when Gareth Gates was clearly the better prospect. He couldn’t talk people! That ranks higher than Will Young’s giant tongue. That’s basic speech impediment hierarchy 101.
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Wasn’t it fantastic leaping from roof to roof in Constantinople? Diving from high towers into the river, only to miss and fall into a broken heap, slowly soiling yourself until you died alone and weeping?
It was the stuff of movies, if those movies had troubling control mechanisms and some rather heavy looking armour. Well that’s what Assassin’s Creed: Revelations was all about. What it also did, was to bring the story of Altair and Ezio Auditore to a vague kind of conclusion ready for whatever Ubisoft gave us in the next installment.
Well good news everyone who’s still interested! Assassin’s Creed 3 has officially been given a release date. Of October 30th 2012. A full 10 months away. But apart from the title, and the date, what else do we know?
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Remember when Something For The Weekend was cancelled and there was a national celebration that, finally, Tim Lovejoy was taking his generally misogynistic squabblings and going the way of the dinosaur, or Linda Robson?
It was a good day from what we can remember of it. And then some clever clogs started saying that they were interested in taking the format and putting it on another channel. Those people were quickly reviled by anyone with a modicum of sense about them. You know who some of these people were? “Professor” Brian Cox and Lisa Faulkner.
Well, now it seems that Channel 4 are making good on their pledge to ruin television for anyone who likes to not be patronised and have announced a new show, called Sunday Brunch will be featuring the gruesome twosome of Rimmer and Lovejoy.
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You would never think that a house in the suburbs of North London could provide so much unintentional terror, but from the very outset, BBC One’s GhostWatch provided more understated horror and genuine scares than million dollar directors have by rebooting the same old tired formats and cliched characters.
Oh look, I’m a minor cheerleader with big bazongas. I might as well book my bay in the morgue because I am so very dead, etc.
Lots of scary things were going on in 1992, when GhostWatch was first and only aired; the European Union was founded on February 1st, Jeffrey Dahmer was sentenced to life in prison and Sinead O’Connor tore up that picture of Pope John Paul II with that hair, but all of that didn’t bother a quiet eight year old from North East England as he carelessly sat down to watch a little bit of TV with his parents before going to bed on Halloween night.
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Sinead O’Connor has been in the news quite a lot recently. First she was getting married and everyone was all ‘ZOMG?! Really?’ and then it turns out she was going to get divorced for some bollocks, and everyone was all ‘Really?’ and then she got married again and no one commented and just sighed loudly before quickly flicking to the MetroLife page of the Metro.
Well the “outspoken” star has let her lips flap again and complained about something which we all know she wouldn’t like. Who’s getting the brunt of her ire? Well, TV Talent shows, that’s who.
The famous O’Connor has publicly slammed them on the basis that they lure young and easily influenced people into a “worship of fame.”
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It seems that Russell Crowe is soon to be a very busy boy if the rumours that he is set to become a fighter of the undead, a slayer of the night, and general wooden enthusiast are to be believed.
Not happy with ruining circumcision and the noble sport of telephone throwing for everyone (and Naomi Campbell) he is going to ruin all those little girls’ dreams of finally marrying Robert Pattinson and his incredibly boring personality and be sired into a vampire Goddess (when in fact, they will get pregnant, have a baby he wouldn’t visit, and never quite get the weight off).
He is going to be a vampire slayer. Think Buffy, but with a beard, and less anyone words.
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