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Ralph Sanders

Dick Van Dyke: Dolphin Friendly

by Ralph Sanders

This is meant to be some kind of a cynical pop-culture website, right? Most of you are looking at the name in the title and wondering which celebrity has forcibly trapped a lesbian in the back of a transit van before inserting their penis inside them for the pleasure of a pod of watching aquatic [...]

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Matt Cardle Becomes X Factor Favourite And Strangely, Girlfriend Comes Back To Him

by Ralph Sanders

Well, would you credit it? You wait for ages for a story about your favourite X Factor contestant, Matt Cardigan, to come along and them out of the blue you get two completely unrelated things appearing about him. Odd that. First up, is that since the competition has started and everyone has finally started to [...]

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Nothing Happens Between People You’ve Forgotten About

by Ralph Sanders

OK, so that headline might seem like a bit of a downer, and a bit of a non-starter for such an esteemed organ as the ‘Spray. But bear with me – it’s about the X Factor – X Factor! X Factor and sex! Ok, so it’s about contestants that were on it two years ago, [...]

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Simon Cowell: Pimp Extraordinaire

by Ralph Sanders

Now, this isn’t going to be easy:  We don’t like seeing Simon Cowell’s name in the same sentence as the word sex as much as you, but this is going to be a difficult story to write without having them in some kind of proximity. So let’s get it out of the way early, shall [...]

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Cheryl Cole Trapped in Britain

by Ralph Sanders

At the time of writing, Cheryl Cole is still the nations’ favourite weird-dress wearing, vomity-ex-husband having, egregiously-wrong autobiographical song-writing gal. Of course, this will all change when she breaks up girls aloud – hopefully with a large mallet – or when it turns out that one of the numerous celebrity guest judges on The X [...]

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Katy Perry To Become Chain-Smoking, Lager Drinking, Football Hooligan

by Ralph Sanders

I hate to come over all Daily Mail on your arse, but these bloody foreigners coming over here are a right pain. Taking advantage of our free healthcare, claiming our benefits, taking our jobs, providing wanking material for our teenagers, drinking our gin… Wait – what was that second to last one? No, there hasn’t [...]

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Adventures In Botox: Liz McClarnon

by Ralph Sanders

Do you ever get the feeling that popular TV has been taken over by aliens? There’s something about how smooth and emotionless they are. Look at them, pretending to be human, all the while being unable to make any recognisable facial expression, their taut, stretched skin weirdly aligned over their rough facsimile of human bone [...]

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Amy Winehouse To Share A House With Pete Doherty? Yeah, Cos That’ll Work

by Ralph Sanders

The ending of Big Brother (when they actually, you know, get round to taking it off the telly and take it round the back of the Channel 4 shed to cave it’s head in with a spade) seems to have created a vacuum of crappy, ill-judged housemates designed to make the average person want to [...]

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Darius, so *close*!

by Ralph Sanders

I honestly don’t know why people want to know the goings-on of the third placed contestant of a rubbish talent show that aired nine years ago, but in case anyone is bothered, Darius Danesh (or whatever he’s called now) nearly died at the weekend. Nearly died. Not ‘actually’ died. Not ‘suffered irreparable damage to his [...]

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Orlando Bloom Impregnates Female. Possibly Due To Boredom

by Ralph Sanders

Orlando Bloom hasn’t been in the movies all that much recently, has he? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining:  his movies are almost uniformly dreadful, and anyone even thinking of casting him as an action hero again should be drowned in sewage at gunpoint alongside whoever cast the misguided union of a cheesestring and [...]

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