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Paul Sorrenti

Christina Ricci Raped By A Monkey

by Paul Sorrenti

OK, the headline could be a tad misleading, as it’s questionable as to whether grabbing a boob without consent constitutes rape, or indeed whether a monkey has the faculties to be accused of such an act.

Be that as it may, it is an attention-grabbing headline that we’ve used to reel you in to a comparatively unsensational story. Let’s move on.

Christina Ricci, who was already a Maimouphobiac (scared of monkeys) was sexually assaulted on the set of her latest film Penelope by Chim Chim The Chimpanzee.

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God Hates Heath Ledger, Apparently

by Paul Sorrenti

Remember that show Louis Theroux did with the charming folk of the Westboro Baptist Church, you know – the ones who picketed funerals of servicemen in Iraq and people who died of AiDS? Well, guess who’s gonna gatecrash Heath Ledger’s funeral?

You see, Heath Ledger starred in Ang Lee’s Brokeback Mountain as a gay man. And so, the Church (who, it must be said, do not represent the views of the Christian majority) have released a statement:

“Heath Ledger thought it was great fun defying God Almighty. [He] is now in Hell and has begun serving his eternal sentence there.”

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Sonia Jackson A Babe?

by Paul Sorrenti

You’ve got to take your hat off to life every now and then. It’s jam-packed with more surprises than a sexual health check after a night with Britney.

Just when you think you’ve got the world sussed to a point where you can put your feet up and relax, that pesky God character whips the carpet from under your feet and, suddenly, from out of nowhere – and we really mean nowhere – Sonia from EastEnders would definitely get it.

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Gary Glitter shits himself – has heart attack.

by Paul Sorrenti

You wanna be in his gang? No thanks, Gary Glitter! Not only may we be lead into one of your paedophile rings, but we may also be appropriated to suffer a shame-induced acute myocardial infarction at a mere 63 years young, just like your randy, goat-bearded self. In fact, you and your gang can go [...]

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Robbie Williams To Be Recycled

by Paul Sorrenti

As you will be well aware by now, EMI isn’t having the best of weeks – The Rolling Stones, Kylie, Coldplay and The Verve have all had a go recently, as has Robbie Williams, whose manager compared Robbie’s relationship with EMI to that of a cotton-picking slave with its master (perhaps unaware of the fact that there weren’t many slaves who signed £80 million plus deals with the plantation owner, in return for picking some objectively rubbish cotton).

It appears EMI just can’t cut it in today’s world.

However, news today suggests that there may be more to them than meets the EM-eye (sorry).

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Leslie Ash Wins £500,000 In Damages

by Paul Sorrenti

Leslie Ash has reportedly won more than £500,000 in damages for her hospital superbug drama, which halted her TV career and almost killed her.

The payout comes just weeks before she was due to start a £1m lawsuit against the NHS. Her lawyers said that Ash lost out on “hundreds of thousands of pounds” in future earnings, and told the Daily Mirror that “Matters are at a delicate stage, but we are no longer going to court. It will be settled this week.”

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Jenna Jameson Quits Porn

by Paul Sorrenti

Yes, you read it right the first time single fellas and lesbians; Jenna Jameson, that great Comrade of the Cock – the Velociraptor of the Vulva – has broken off the unwritten agreement she had with your – nay, the world’s – right hand.

The 34-year-old veteran made the announcement at the AVN (Adult Video News) Awards in Las Vegas on Saturday.

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Teenage Girl ‘Roasted’ By Man Utd Players At Xmas ‘Rape’ Party

by Paul Sorrenti

Firstly, in case the headline misleads you, Sir Alex Ferguson did not arrange a Christmas Rape Party for his players. The use of the phrase ‘rape party’ is in reference to the alleged rape by young player Jonny Evans (a charge that is almost certainly to be dropped on the grounds of insufficient evidence) that may or may not have occurred at the same party, where this girl was – also supposedly – given the red devil roasting experience. OK? Now let’s continue…

A guest at the party has described how she could hear the group of players having an orgy with the young girl in a hotel room. She told The Sun:

“I was upstairs in the hotel gossiping with a friend when I heard cheering and clapping noises coming from one of the rooms. We could hear the voices of around five or six men – together with the groaning noises of a girl who was clearly having sex.”

Firstly, in case the headline misleads you, Sir Alex Ferguson did not arrange a Christmas Rape Party for his players. The use of the phrase 'rape party' is in reference to the alleged rape by young player Jonny Evans (a charge that is almost certainly to be dropped on the grounds of insufficient evidence) that may or may not have occurred at the same party, where this girl was - also supposedly - given the red devil roasting experience. OK? Now let's continue... A guest at the party has described how she could hear the group of players having an orgy with the young girl in a hotel room. She told The Sun: "I was upstairs in the hotel gossiping with a friend when I heard cheering and clapping noises coming from one of the rooms. We could hear the voices of around five or six men - together with the groaning noises of a girl who was clearly having sex."
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The Queen Is Older Than Anyone Else Ever

by Paul Sorrenti

It’s official: our gracious, noble Queen Liz junior, has rewritten the record books again by becoming the longest living British monarch in history.

According to Buckingham Palace officials, who have taken into account the exact time Queen Victoria – Liz’s great-great grandmother and now ex-record holder – was born, our own current Queen became the oldest ‘serving’ monarch at 5pm this afternoon.

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Radio 1 Bans Faggots

by Paul Sorrenti

BBC Radio 1 have made the decision to censor the word ‘faggot’ from Kirsty MacColl and Shane McGowan’s yuletide anthem Fairytale Of New York.

Now, firstly, we would like to apologise for coming off a bit Jim Davidson here, but isn’t this an example of polical correctness gone mad?

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