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Paul Sorrenti

Are Jennifer Aniston And Orlando Bloom Sexing?

by Paul Sorrenti

Are Jennifer Aniston And Orlando Bloom Sexing?There was a time when Jennifer Aniston could have had the pick of any man she wanted. And so, naturally, she picked Brad Pitt.

Her TV show Friends was the greatest show of all time, The Rembrandts were the greatest band of all time, her man was without doubt the sexiest man of all time, and she too was the single most desired female in the human race, second only to a feisty young computer simulation called Lara – but what did Jennifer care about her?

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Piers Morgan Wins Celebrity Apprentice Despite Being Piers Morgan

by Paul Sorrenti

Piers Morgan Wins Celebrity Apprentice Despite Being Piers MorganPiers Morgan has won the final of NBC’s ‘The Celebrity Apprentice’.

Or, to put it another way, Piers Morgan went to America looking for success, and America (and by America we mean Donald Trump – same thing) looked back at Piers Morgan and replied “Sure, why not? You are a man with all the qualities required to succeed here. Your wish is our command”.

What is wrong with America? It all started off so positively some 40,000 years ago when a bunch of wandering nomads from Asia decided to set up camp. They had a quaint little society going on, and for thousands of years everything was wonderful, but then in 1492 a wop named Chris landed on the shore and it all turned to shit.

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Madonna Considers Becoming Mayor of London

by Paul Sorrenti

Madonna Considers Being Mayor Of LondonMadonna has said that she will not vote for Ken Livingston at the upcoming London Mayoral elections.

Madonna, as we all know, is a renegade – in both senses of the word.

Indeed, if you were to google the word ‘renegade’, the returning results would probably offer little more than a biog of her maverick career, alongside the likes of Jesse James, Billy the Kid and Mel Gibson.

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Chris Evans Should Receive Corporal Punishment

by Paul Sorrenti

Chris Evans Should Receive Corporal PunishmentThe nation is mourning today as it’s greatest disc-jockey, Chris Evans, 41, has admitted to taking magic mushrooms, and has therefore broken a Great British law.

A law that clearly states that you must not eat magic mushrooms, citizen. And Chris, our Chris – you’re Chris, my Chris, everyone’s a Chris, Chris – has not only defied that law, but he has also broadcast the fact to the general public. He has said:

“It was a Meat Loaf concert, two days before which I’d had rather more magic mushrooms than maybe I should have”

Whether Chris likes it or not, our laws are there for a reason; for the benefit of society as a whole. Most upstanding citizens, upon happening upon some magic mushrooms, would automatically grab them in the palm of their hand, make sure no children were within a two mile radius – systematically culling those that were – before incinerating the mushrooms and then themselves, just in case some of it’s anti-social spours had rubbed off on said upstanding citizens hands, all in the name of keeping society together – a concept that Mr Chris Evans seemingly cares for not a jot.

Chris Evans Should Receive Corporal PunishmentThe nation is mourning today as it's greatest disc-jockey, Chris Evans, 41, has admitted to taking magic mushrooms, and has therefore broken a Great British law. A law that clearly states that you must not eat magic mushrooms, citizen. And Chris, our Chris - you're Chris, my Chris, everyone's a Chris, Chris - has not only defied that law, but he has also broadcast the fact to the general public. He has said: “It was a Meat Loaf concert, two days before which I’d had rather more magic mushrooms than maybe I should have" Whether Chris likes it or not, our laws are there for a reason; for the benefit of society as a whole. Most upstanding citizens, upon happening upon some magic mushrooms, would automatically grab them in the palm of their hand, make sure no children were within a two mile radius - systematically culling those that were - before incinerating the mushrooms and then themselves, just in case some of it's anti-social spours had rubbed off on said upstanding citizens hands, all in the name of keeping society together - a concept that Mr Chris Evans seemingly cares for not a jot.
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Amir Kahn Is A Little Jahil Boy

by Paul Sorrenti

Amir Khan Is A Little Jahil BoyWhat do you get if you cross a patriotic British boxing Muslim, a warped owl-faced England hating clerical Muslim, and a Tory MP?

You guessed it; 3 morons.

Let us begin with warped owl-faced England hating clerical Muslim; his name’s Omar Bakri Mohammed, he’s estimated to be about 50 years old and comes from Syria. Omar, currently exiled in Lebanon after having been deported from the UK for being a rather naughty individual indeed – he once described the 9/11 hijackers as the ‘Magnificent 19′ (very funny, Omar, but the joke will be on you when you discover that 19 central characters is gonna be tough to cram into 120 pages of script; there’s a reason why we in the west chose 7. Well, it was because we stole it off Kurosawa, but that’s an entirely different matter, Omar, the point we’re getting to follows shortly after these brackets) – has accused Amir Khan, England’s chocolate rose, of being a prick, basically.

Amir Khan Is A Little Jahil BoyWhat do you get if you cross a patriotic British boxing Muslim, a warped owl-faced England hating clerical Muslim, and a Tory MP? You guessed it; 3 morons. Let us begin with warped owl-faced England hating clerical Muslim; his name's Omar Bakri Mohammed, he's estimated to be about 50 years old and comes from Syria. Omar, currently exiled in Lebanon after having been deported from the UK for being a rather naughty individual indeed - he once described the 9/11 hijackers as the 'Magnificent 19' (very funny, Omar, but the joke will be on you when you discover that 19 central characters is gonna be tough to cram into 120 pages of script; there's a reason why we in the west chose 7. Well, it was because we stole it off Kurosawa, but that's an entirely different matter, Omar, the point we're getting to follows shortly after these brackets) - has accused Amir Khan, England's chocolate rose, of being a prick, basically.
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John Terry Doesn’t Care About The Disabled

by Paul Sorrenti

John terry face maskThe Chelsea and England captain has unveiled himself to be a mighty piece of scum, for he has been caught red-handed parking in a disabled bay.

According to The Sun, that daily newspaper of the damned (i.e. fickle minded proles of Rupert Murdoch’s right wing agenda and, worse, Showbiz reporters looking for a story to claim as their own), John Terry (Grandma Hecklerspray always said to never trust man with two first names) 27, parked his Bentley (Grandma Hecklerspray always said that people who drove Bentley’s were nob-heads) illegally and immorally outside Pizza express in Esher, Surrey, for about two whole hours, as he and his ‘holier-than-disabled’ family pretentiously perused the menu, arrogantly ordered their food, menacingly munched it down in-between supercilious slurps of their drinks, whilst a cavalcade of disabled drivers drove endlessly around and around the streets of Esher, desperately looking for a place to park, crying tears of disabled despair.

John terry face maskThe Chelsea and England captain has unveiled himself to be a mighty piece of scum, for he has been caught red-handed parking in a disabled bay. According to The Sun, that daily newspaper of the damned (i.e. fickle minded proles of Rupert Murdoch's right wing agenda and, worse, Showbiz reporters looking for a story to claim as their own), John Terry (Grandma Hecklerspray always said to never trust man with two first names) 27, parked his Bentley (Grandma Hecklerspray always said that people who drove Bentley's were nob-heads) illegally and immorally outside Pizza express in Esher, Surrey, for about two whole hours, as he and his 'holier-than-disabled' family pretentiously perused the menu, arrogantly ordered their food, menacingly munched it down in-between supercilious slurps of their drinks, whilst a cavalcade of disabled drivers drove endlessly around and around the streets of Esher, desperately looking for a place to park, crying tears of disabled despair.
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Scarlett Johansson Is A Cinema-Date Whore

by Paul Sorrenti

Scarlett Johansson is so sought-after that a man from the UK has actually paid $40,100 (about £20,000) to be able to accompany her to the premier of her upcoming movie, He’s Just Not That Into You.

He doesn’t even appear to have been guaranteed sex on any level – not even a tonguing – and yet has paid for the equivalent of 8,000 anal sexes with Manfa, who has been hanging round the corners of hecklerstreet for four years now.

When asked what kind of an evening she’d give a man who had paid £40,100, Manfa said she’d “willingly go blind in both eyes,” and if he still wanted to go see the movie, that “with a film title like that, blindness may be a blessing,” before adding “maybe I’d go deaf for it too.” But that’s Manfa, and she really is a dirty whore. Five dollars for sex? That’s two pound fifty; cheaper than a Zinger Tower.

Scarlett Johansson is so sought-after that a man from the UK has actually paid $40,100 (about £20,000) to be able to accompany her to the premier of her upcoming movie, He’s Just Not That Into You. He doesn’t even appear to have been guaranteed sex on any level - not even a tonguing - and yet has paid for the equivalent of 8,000 anal sexes with Manfa, who has been hanging round the corners of hecklerstreet for four years now. When asked what kind of an evening she’d give a man who had paid £40,100, Manfa said she’d “willingly go blind in both eyes,” and if he still wanted to go see the movie, that “with a film title like that, blindness may be a blessing,” before adding “maybe I’d go deaf for it too.” But that’s Manfa, and she really is a dirty whore. Five dollars for sex? That’s two pound fifty; cheaper than a Zinger Tower.
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Everybody Hates Hard-Fi Apart From Some Of Their Fans

by Paul Sorrenti

That’s it! Forget it. Hard-Fi have had it with all of you. All of you miserable, misguided bastards out there who are under the impression that Hard-Fi are rubbish. Does that sound like you?

Do you think that Hard-Fi are a truly fucking awful band? Do you? Do you consider Hard-Fi’s raison d’être to be as annoyingly pitiful as the wasps? Are you fed up of Hard-Fi trying to drink your can of Fanta in the middle of the summer after you’ve already batted them away fifteen times? Well, if so, then who do you think you are? Who? Don’t just continue reading this if you haven’t stopped to think who you really are; stop and think about it.

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Hecklergigs: Go! Team, Carling Academy, Oxford.

by Paul Sorrenti

As we arrive at the entrance a reporter from a lesser publication, standing immediately in front of us, is struggling to convince the ticket booth lady he’s on the guest list.

“But you’ve got to let me in! This was arranged a month ago! I love this band!”

The ticket booth lady looks at him as if he’s a mirror and she’s a cat who’s caught sight of her own reflection and says she can’t do a thing. Disgruntled man leans forward and whispers something. Ticket booth lady turns around and delegates the decision to a younger lady, who further delegates it to some hidden face in the next room. A minute passes. The queue behind disgruntled man grows in synch with his humiliation. Eventually the word comes back and he’s allowed in. He snatches the tickets and makes a grizzly bear sound as he storms inside. We approach the desk.

As we arrive at the entrance a reporter from a lesser publication, standing immediately in front of us, is struggling to convince the ticket booth lady he’s on the guest list. “But you’ve got to let me in! This was arranged a month ago! I love this band!” The ticket booth lady looks at him as if he’s a mirror and she’s a cat who’s caught sight of her own reflection and says she can’t do a thing. Disgruntled man leans forward and whispers something. Ticket booth lady turns around and delegates the decision to a younger lady, who further delegates it to some hidden face in the next room. A minute passes. The queue behind disgruntled man grows in synch with his humiliation. Eventually the word comes back and he’s allowed in. He snatches the tickets and makes a grizzly bear sound as he storms inside. We approach the desk.
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Prince Harry Has Killed Up To 30 Men

by Paul Sorrenti

Our hero Prince Harry is to return home! The move follows the collapse of the news blackout deal that had been silently agreed between the MoD and newspapers and broadcasters in the UK and abroad.

Was it a British news source that broke the deal? No, sir, of course not – how dare you ask? – it was a foreign one. And which foreigners do we blame? That’s right: Australia; Those bloody foreigners. It was apparently leaked there in January, fortunately though, what with it being in Australia, nobody noticed, and it wasn’t until influential US website The Drudge Report got hold of the story that Harry was asked home. So we’ve been let down by two countries that we basically created.

But still, Harry’s home – Yay!

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